Who Ever Said Life Was Fair?

Near the end of January, I received some news that rocked me to the core. While the words were expected, hearing them out loud had a profound impact.

My faith in humanity was shattered.

The world felt a little less safe.

Justice seemed to slip from my hands.

I reached out to others in the hopes of finding support or sympathy or some words of encouragement. Maybe a little of all three.

I got nothing.

The heartache and devastation took a toll. Numb, I withdrew into myself. It became apparent there was no one I could rely on, so I shut down.

I had no energy to do anything beyond the necessary tasks to get me back to bed at night.

The Ripple Effect

It’s been 4 months since that devastating day, but the wound still feels fresh. I’ve come to realize how much time and effort I’ve put into maintaining certain aspects of my life, particularly when it comes to connections and relationships, and without that effort, things fall away.

And it appears that others are fine with letting that happen.

I did what I could to embrace radical acceptance. I tried to tell myself that even if I wasn’t getting what I wanted/needed/expected from others, whatever they were giving me was what they were capable of — and I should be grateful.

Yet, there were a lot of things I couldn’t come to terms with.

I accepted that maybe the people in my life couldn’t be there for me the way I needed. Fine. That’s who they are, and I can’t change that. But I wasn’t going to settle for crumbs or being the one who had to constantly reach out for acknowledgement and assistance.

I didn’t have the energy — and I still don’t.

If you recall my blog about what you deserve versus what you get, this event is where the line of questioning came from.

Accepting People for Who They Are

Sometimes, it’s a hard pill to swallow to find out that the people you rely on the most can’t be there for you. That they may be emotionally distant or have their own issues to deal with. It’s even more debilitating to think of how many times I’ve gone out of my way to make sure others felt loved and validated despite what I was going through.

But maybe that’s just the people pleaser in me.

Accepting people for who they are means recognizing that more often than not, I may have to be the one who reaches out first. Or that the conversations we have are surface-level (potentially about the weather), or even that they may only pop into my life when they want something from me.

But here’s the thing: while I can accept these things about the people in my life, that doesn’t mean I have to put up with them.

I don’t have to expend my energy or give up my time to maintain the connection. I can expect more, knowing that I won’t get it, and move on. I can find ways to take care of myself or look for others who provide me with what I need.

The Dynamic Changes

Knowing that I have a say in what and who I let into my life is both devastating and freeing. On one hand, it means letting go of people and situations that no longer serve me. This is especially hard if there’s a history with a particular person.

There’s always hope deep down that things will change; that if I continue to stay in contact or be there when needed, the other person will see my dedication and realize they need to provide me with the same.

But this only hurts me. It keeps me trapped in situations that continuously leave me frustrated and stressed.

The alternatives include breaking or altering the connection. That’s not easy either. And knowing which one is the best option requires trial and error — and a lot of heartache.

But at the end of the day, healing is a journey taken alone.

Only I know what’s best for me.

While I can tell others what I want and need from them, I can’t make them provide it. I don’t always approach these situations in the best manner; my trauma and hurt usually have me make knee-jerk reactions where I cut all contact and shut down, maybe even lash out in frustration and anger.

But I’m human. I’m prone to mistakes. Other humans should be able to recognize that and respond accordingly.

Of course, what I think that response should be might differ from what it really is. Only I can decide if I’m okay with that or if I must move on.

Life will never be fair, justice will rarely be served, and not everyone I meet will provide me with what I need. But that doesn’t mean I have to be weighed down. I hold the key to my contentment. I have to decide what’s best for me.

That might mean severing ties and closing myself off.

Why We Talk About the Weather

Several weeks ago, I went off on a tangent about how boring it is to talk about the weather.

Then, recently, I heard a podcast from Lore that talked about the exact same subject. Turns out there’s a reason why we constantly talk about the weather.

Our survival depends on it.

Now, you might think that I’m being melodramatic by saying that, but it’s the truth. The weather is necessary to grow our crops. Extremes on one end of the spectrum or the other could result in destruction, which means we have no food.

The same droughts and floods that have a negative impact on our food supply can also kill us. As can ice storms, heat waves, hurricanes, tornadoes, lightning, and hail.

And you know what makes all of these matters so much worse? We can’t control the weather.

Oh, but we try — because look at the ego on those humans!

Our Attempts to Control the Weather

There is evidence throughout the existence of humankind about our desire to control the weather. We’ve created gods that we offered sacrifices to in the hopes of crops that produced good yields. We’ve developed rain dances for when things get too dry, and more recently, we’ve attempted to seed clouds to produce more snow or rain (mainly for entertainment purposes such as skiing, but it could also be used to help crops grow, too).

If you’ve even been in a situation where you’ve commented on the weather, perhaps said something like, “Isn’t it so nice that the wind hasn’t been blowing lately?” and then followed it up with, “Oh, I shouldn’t have said that. The wind is surely going to kick up now,” you’ve participated in the act of thinking you have control over the weather.

Should the wind happen to kick up after that, you more than likely convinced yourself that it was all because of you.

And you should feel soooo guilty about that!

JK. Do you really think the universe is listening and kicking up the wind to spite you? That’s like believing the government is listening to your conversations because they think you have something interesting to say.

Despite the fact that we have no more impact on the weather than a butterfly in Tanzania, we still believe that we do, and we structure our lives accordingly.

It makes sense, especially since our lives depend on it. But with a few exceptions (*cough* hole in the ozone, *cough* *cough* global warming), we can’t actually influence weather patterns.

A Belief Embedded in Our Cultural Memory

In this day and age, with our advancements in technology and our ability to look at a 10-day forecast on our phones, we’d like to think that we aren’t as afraid of the weather as our ancestors used to be. After all, we have better buildings for shelter, and we know how to build dams and levees to protect ourselves from rising waters.

If you could see me, you would notice that I’m raising my eyebrows and giving you a “Really?” look. Because there have been how many instances of weather killing people even within the past few months?

We are still impacted by the weather. We aren’t any closer than our ancestors in being able to figure it out — despite our technology. I mean, c’mon! How many times is the weather person actually right when it comes to predicting the weather?

And that leads to more stress and fear about the weather. It’s a belief that has been and will continue to be embedded in our cultural memory — at least until we can figure out how to colonize other planets and create domes with artificial climates.

Or at least until Earth is so destroyed we have to develop those domes down here.

I think you get my point.

I Stand by What I Said

I have to say, the Lore podcast was incredibly fascinating, and it went into depth about how us humans have been so focused on our ability to control the weather that it even impacted how we buried our dead.

We may not still believe a lot of those things now, but we still have a primal and innate fear of the weather — and we should. It can and does kill us.

Even with all of this new information, I still stand by my blog post that I think it’s boring to talk about the weather.

Now, talking about why we talk about the weather, that’s a conversation I’d be interested in having.

The Need to be Seen

If there is one desire that drives the vast majority of humans, it’s the need to be seen; to know that someone acknowledges and validates their existence. The need to be seen can run so deep, people will do just about anything to ensure someone glances their way.

Our species has an innate need to connect. Way back in the day, our survival depended on our ability to work together. We still have that hardwired into our brain, even though our survival doesn’t necessarily require cooperation in the same way. Still, it can be a source of discomfort and anxiety if someone doesn’t get seen the way they think they need to.

In addition to our primitive brains, another reason why so many are preoccupied with being seen is because it’s too easy to become invisible.

A World of People

Think about it: there are more than 8 billion people on this planet. Can you even fathom how many that is? If you’ve ever been in a classroom with 25 students, that can feel like a lot. If you’ve been to a stadium for a concert or sporting event with 1,000s of people, you are aware of how easy it is to get lost in the crowd.

When you start to factor in billions of people, you really start to understand how insignificant you truly are.

If you’re like most people, the thought of being invisible is distressing.

However, you might also think that if you have a few close friends or your family is really tight, then that’s all you need. But you are an exception to the rule. Most people want more than the small circle of people around them noticing what they’re up to.

Why do you think social media sites are so popular? It’s because they allow individuals to reach beyond their small section of the world and target a larger audience. They get to be seen by people around the globe, and that gives them validation and meaning.

Is it the best way to get the attention you’re looking for? Of course not. Being online also exposes you to negative comments as well as positive ones (but any publicity is good publicity, right?). Keep in mind that all of those people that are commenting on videos and posts and whatever, they’re looking to be seen as well. They don’t want to fade into obscurity either.

It’s No Fun to Fade Away

I am one of those who wanted and needed validation from outside sources.

As an author, I wanted to be able to connect to people through stories. I wanted them to tell me that I was amazing and wonderful and that my words changed their lives.

But I wanted more than that.

I also wanted them to be curious about me and become my friends. I needed to know that I could provide something of value to others, and that they could the same for me.

I did what I could to put myself out in the world.

• Blogs
• Frequent posts on various social media sites
• Was a guest on podcasts and radio shows
• Went to conventions and conferences
• Paid for advertising
• Created workshops and presentations for libraries and schools
• Had contests and looked for beta readers
• Turned my books into audiobooks
• And so much more

I look back now and think about all the things I did to promote my work. It was a lot. I often wonder how I had the time.

I also think about how it wasn’t enough.

I never became a bestseller.

I never made my initial investment in myself back.

But I told myself it was okay because I was making connections. Time and perseverance would pay off and I would eventually reach my ultimate goals.

Then, life turned to shit and I no longer had the time, funds, or energy to promote myself. I couldn’t even find the motivation to put words on a page. I fell into a deep depression and had to focus on one day at a time, and even then, it was a challenge.

The thought of being online felt dangerous and scary, so I stayed as far away as possible.

This lasted for years.

I faded away.

If I thought my sales were bad when I was promoting my work, things only got worse when I stopped.

Knowing that I had become invisible was one of the most devastating realizations I’d had in a long time. It pushed me farther into the dark place and made it harder to want to face the world.

I became extremely angry. Then, I realized that beneath that anger, my feelings were hurt. All those connections that I had made — the ones that were so important to me — weren’t important to anyone else.

The World Keeps Turning

It goes without saying that the world is a busy place and that people have their own lives. People are also incredibly finicky and have short attention spans. This isn’t a bad thing; it is what it is. If they aren’t constantly bombarded with messages and images, people will forget what they see and hear.

Why do you think advertising is so annoying?

At the same time, advertising has also conditioned many of us to block things out. That’s why it has to constantly change and evolve: to grab attention once again.

It’s possible that some of my readers wondered what had happened to me and were sad that I wasn’t posting or creating work like I had in the past, but they also had their own lives to live. Let’s not forget that the world has also been turned on it’s head in the past decade, and that has had a huge impact on what people focus on.

I can’t expect people to stop their lives and wait for me to get mine together to provide them with stories and insights. Even when I was in my “prime,” I wasn’t making the impact I thought I was.

Life goes on. Mine and everyone else’s.

Lessons Learned

Of course, through it all, I have learned some lessons from what happened. It has taken me doing a deep dive into my life and emotions, and I didn’t always like what I found, but it has helped with my hurt and anger.

The first thing I had to ask myself was why I needed to be seen so bad. One of the answers to that was because the more readers I got, the more sales I would make, and that would lead to making money so that I could live a writer’s life.

That dream didn’t last long, and it soon became apparent that I was just another book on the shelf, and being found was incredibly difficult.

I then changed my thought process and decided that as long as people were reading and enjoying my stories, that was all that mattered to me.

But it wasn’t.

I needed a connection that I could never get.

I’m not going to go into the details about why I needed that connection so bad, but just know it has to do with emotional starvation. I had assumed that others would be able to fill the hole in my being.

It turns out, that’s not the case. And since others couldn’t meet my expectations, it left me disappointed and disillusioned.

I had to face some uncomfortable truths about myself and really figure out what it is that I wanted from the rest of the world.

Being Invisible Isn’t that Bad

One of the first things I discovered was that being invisible wasn’t that bad. It meant that there were less people in the world I needed to make happy, as well as less people who could disappoint and upset me. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, and I was free to live my life the way I wanted.

From that thought, I moved to the idea that my life doesn’t have to be big.

I don’t need the movie contract to prove I’ve made it. I don’t need to live like Stephen King and JK Rowling to know I’m a success. Would it be nice? Hell yeah! But I need to be realistic. What I desire and what I get often are two very different things.

I also realized that just because I don’t get the results I was hoping for (or that others had expected of me), that didn’t mean I had to give up on my dreams altogether.

It wasn’t a black and white type of scenario. There was gray in the middle that I could explore.

I also decided I wasn’t going to let others force me into obscurity. It was one thing to make myself invisible, it was something else to kowtow to another’s wishes to vanish entirely.

One of the things that has always made me content was creating stories. And I wasn’t going to let anyone take that away from me.

It took me a long time to get back into writing and enjoy the process. I started small, posting to my blog again, then slowly putting posts on my FB author page. Those posts are pretty infrequent, for a variety of different reasons.

For the works I’ve already published, I once again decided to transition them from Amazon to Wattpad — at least the electronic versions. For those books that have paperbacks, they’ll still be available on Amazon.

This is me not living big. This is me creating the stories I want to create and sharing them with others — but it’s not a big deal if no one reads them.

I had someone ask me one time which novel I was most proud of, and I couldn’t pick just one. I’m proud of all of them. Each one took me time and effort to create. There’s a piece of me in every story.

And no one can take that away from me.

They may not get read, and they may not make millions of dollars, but I accomplished something amazing. I put a lot of words on a page and crafted them into a coherent narrative.

If you want to read them, that makes me happy. If you don’t, that won’t stop me from creating. Like most people, I want to be seen, but it’s not a driving factor in my life like it used to be.

I see the things that I’ve accomplished, and I’m proud of what I’ve done.

I see me.

Taking the Beauty Out of Art

I have a colleague that is a poet and an artist. The other day, I asked him what he was working on, and he told me he was honing his skills drawing life-like objects. He explained how he was focusing on measurements and making sure they were as precise as possible — because without precise measurements, the item on the page doesn’t have the same qualities as what it is trying to represent.

Chuckling, I told him he was sucking the romanticism out of art.

We then got into a discussion about how the creation of art is anything but romantic.

It Takes Work to Create a Masterpiece

Most people think of artists as sitting alone in their room or studio, being struck by the muse and becoming obsessed with finishing their masterpiece. They barely think about eating or drinking or taking care of themselves in any way until the work is completed. There are high emotions, and the creator feels divine and happy. All of those feelings are transferred from their being into the work before them, which is then transferred to the audience and creates feelings of joy and excitement within them.

In reality, there is nothing romantic about creating art, whether it is a painting, drawing, poem, or novel. The process revolves around taking chaotic thoughts and half-formed ideas and taming them into something that can be consumed and understood by others. If you think about the thoughts that run through your head at any time during the day, you know that feat is easier said than done.

There is a lot of precision to the creative process, which does mean having the right measurements — or choosing the right word or phrase or using a particular pencil or color — and assembling them in the right way on whatever medium the creator prefers to use.

Being precise and particular can make the process incredibly long. Depending on the type and depth of the work, it can take hours to years to finish a product. And during that time, it will go through a lot of different versions. It needs to be edited and refined. The final product may only have a hint of the original idea that the creator envisioned.

Making Things Look Easy

If you’ve ever looked at a final product — again, whether it be a painting, poem, novel, whatever — and thought, “That was amazing, and it seems like the creator had no issues at all making it,” then the creator has achieved their goal. The more effortless a project appears, the more work has gone into it.

Even if you’re looking at an impressionistic painting or reading experimental fiction and thinking that the creator just threw paint onto a canvas or wrote down any thought that came to mind, remember that everything was done intentionally — and more than likely painstakingly.

Most likely, nothing in the work is haphazard. There is meaning behind the splashes of paint or the seemingly random words. They were chosen for a reason.

No matter how much you appreciate and love the final work, keep in mind that the creator may not think of it as finished. During the process, the creator may have doubted themselves and shed tears because they didn’t think their work would be good enough. They may continue to think that their work isn’t good enough and be thinking of ways they want to change it.

Where you see perfection (or damn near), they may see flaws and problems. But they had to stop somewhere, so the final product in front of you is “good enough.”

If you think you can do better than what’s in front of you, I dare you to try.

See how long it takes you to recreate the work of art that you think was easy. But remember: you don’t get to be the judge. The audience makes the final decision. Do a compare and contrast and have others critique the work against the current standards and see how yours measures up.

Take a Moment to Appreciate the Effort

If you find that the work in front of you takes your breath away or makes you think or gives you the feels, take a moment to truly appreciate the effort that went into the creation. Think about the precise measurements the artist applied, the search for the perfect tool to ensure the final product looked just right, the agony that went into finding the right word or phrase.

Take a step back and soak in the work. Let it flow through you and indulge your senses.

Know that all the time and effort the creator put into their work was for your benefit. They wanted to make you feel. Being creative may not be romantic, but the final product should be inspirational and make you think that the process was effortless.

That’s part of the artistic appeal.

A Light Peeking Through the Clouds

Some of you may be aware that a while ago, I wondered if the world would be less bleak if I stopped reading/watching shows about serial killers and WWII.

I would like to tell you that my reduction of consumption of these materials was based on a conscious effort, but I can’t. Life has gotten incredibly busy, so I don’t have as much time to engage in extracurricular activities.

But does it really matter? Whether purposeful or not, the fact remains that I’m not viewing as much death and destruction, and that could be the reason there is a bit of sun peeking through the dark clouds of my life/attitude.

However, I’m not sure I can completely credit my new outlook solely on the changes in the type of material I’m consuming. There have been other changes in my life as well.

Healing My Wounds

I continue to go through the process of recognizing destructive patterns in my life and healing past traumas. I still dive deeply into my emotions and mind to figure out why I am the way I am. If there is anything in my power to change, I do what I can.

Healing is not an easy process. There is a lot of heartache and hurt when having to admit that some of my actions are toxic or that the people around me may not be good for me.

Change is also challenging. It brings its own set of anxieties and stress that have to be dealt with and overcome.

But going through that discomfort is necessary to get to the other side. I have seen a lot of progress, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

I’m convinced that a lot of that healing and trauma work has changed my mindset and added some color to the world. There are still shades of gray, but it’s not as overbearing as it has been in the past.

Don’t worry: I haven’t adopted a “good vibes only” or “positivity rules” mindset. If you read my blog, you know how I feel about those ideas. I still have a healthy dose of cynicism to get me through the day.

What I have done is started looking at the world through the eyes of “haves” instead of “have nots”; thinking about what I “get” to do, rather than what I’m “forced” to do or “can’t” do.

I’ve also been taking a really hard look at what’s going on around me and thinking about what I have control over and how it makes me feel. There are (of course) some things I have to endure, but there are others that I can walk away from or take actions so that I’m as comfortable as possible.

I’m Not an Optimist Yet

Changing my mindset has had an impact on how I view the world. I’m not an optimist yet, but things don’t seem as horrific as they had when I wrote that other blog post. Part of it could be the reduction in dark material, but it could also be moving forward with life as well.

Maybe it’s a little of both.

Maybe it’s just that nothing lasts forever and I’m currently in an upswing.

The only way to know for sure is to add some serial killer and WWII material back into the mix and see how it makes me feel. If I slide back into a dark place, I’ll know my viewing choices were part of the problem.

Of course, that won’t be happening any time soon, as my schedule is still fairly busy. But I will get to it as soon as possible. I noticed there’s a new special on Netflix that focuses on Gacy…

I’m discovering life is all about trial and error. There are no easy answers, and day to day, it’s about finding what works and what doesn’t.

Sometimes, nothing works.

Some days are just craptastic and littered with negative emotions—but that’s okay. Life is full of ups and downs, and getting through means finding a way to ride the waves (or at least not be drowned by them).

I’m in a good place right now, and I’ve been having more good days than bad days. Whether it’s tied to my viewing material or my mindset—or both—it doesn’t really matter. I’m going to enjoy these moments for as long as I can (remember: nothing lasts forever). 

Day to day, moment to moment, all I can do is take life as it comes.

I will also continue to do what I can to heal and test different theories to see how they make me feel—because both give me something to do.

You Don’t Have to Be Alone

There comes a moment (or several) in most single people’s lives when they feel like they are going to be alone forever. They lament their inability to find someone to spend their life with. But with 7.9 billion people (and counting) on Earth, there’s got to be someone out there for everyone.

And the truth is: finding a significant other is the easiest thing in the world.

Seriously. Here’s what you should do:

Sign Up for Dating Apps

Or more than one. Maximize your ability to find a partner and let others know that you’re serious about finding a significant other.

Once you’re on the dating app, make sure you respond to every single person that sends you a message. You’ll need to weed out the scammers and bots, but it won’t take you long to figure out how to spot those. You can then focus your attention on the individuals who are “serious” about making a connection.

To increase your chances of finding a partner, make sure to swipe right on every profile that comes your way. Then, send out messages of your own. Make sure you don’t copy and paste, lest the system flag you for being a scammer or bot.

Change up your greeting, but keep it simple. You’re sending out a lot of messages, but you need to stand out, so don’t resort to “Hey,” “Hi,” or any variation thereof.

Keep in mind that even though you send out a ton of messages, not everyone will respond to you. For those that do, make sure to keep the conversation going by keeping them talking about themselves.

People l-o-v-e to talk about themselves.

Don’t chat on the app for too long. Remember, your goal is to get into a relationship as soon as possible, so if someone hasn’t asked you out after a few days, you’ll need to take the initiative. If they say they want to get to know you better first, you decide if they’re worth your time and effort to continue engaging with.

There will be people who will be anxious to meet as soon as possible. If you’re ready to throw off the sadness of singledom, then get out and make it happen!

Head to the Bar

If instant gratification is more your cup of tea and you don’t want to spend time signing up for dating apps, one of the oldest and most reliable ways to find a partner is to head out to the bars.

Get yourself dressed up and ready for a night on the town!

To maximize your potential of finding someone, don’t limit yourself to one place. Consider visiting a variety of establishments — and keep in mind that your chances may increase the longer the night goes on.

Stay patient and stay awake!

Of course, if you’re lucky enough to find someone early in the evening, hooray! You’ve achieved your goal of changing your relationship status — at least for that moment.

What Do You Mean You Have Standards?

I don’t recall you saying anything about having specific traits you wanted in a partner. All I heard you say was, “I’m tired of being alone.” If you’re looking for a warm body to fill the empty space next to you, then it’s possible to find anyone who can do that.

There are plenty of people out there who are looking for someone like you to boost their ego and fulfill their selfish needs.

There are people who are looking for friends with benefits, as well as couples in open marriages who want their fun on the side or married couples who want to spice things up with a third.

And don’t forget about all those who engage in polyamory. The more people they can add to their life, the better!

I’m not judging. 

People can live their lives any way they want. As consenting adults, they can engage in whatever type of relationship that makes them happy. All I’m saying is that if you’re complaining that you can’t find someone, it’s because you aren’t looking hard enough.

Or your standards are too high.

If that’s the case, then you need to reconsider your position.

Let’s Get Serious

There’s nothing wrong with having an ideal partner in mind. You deserve someone who treats you right and loves you for who you are. You don’t need to settle for anything less than the best — and you get to decide exactly what that means.

The only issue with having those standards is that you might have to be patient and wait for that person to arrive. You might have to come to the conclusion that being single is better than being with the wrong person — and that’s okay.

Life is much too short to be trapped in a relationship with the wrong person. You don’t want your entire being stripped away because being lonely was uncomfortable.

At the end of the day, finding a significant other is — in all reality — one of the easiest goals you can achieve.

Unless you have standards.

To Be Loved

One of the most basic human needs is to be connected. As social creatures, we thrive when we are around others and feel supported and loved.

In theory, connecting with and loving others is easy. All it entails is meeting someone, hanging out with them, and being there in both good times and bad.

In practice, this is when things get messy and go wrong. We have too many issues that get into the way, making true connection difficult to achieve.

Our brains may be incredibly advanced, but there are parts that are still floundering and stuck in the far-gone past that make it difficult of us to achieve many of our goals as a species. The way trauma impacts the brain makes it difficult for us to connect to others, and on top of that, we also allow our prejudices, hate, and ego to get in the way.

We start to focus on our own needs rather than the good of the whole. That selfishness pulls our care and concern away from others, and we look for ways to get what we need, while often not providing to others what they’re looking for. As we take, take, take, we find that we need more — because we aren’t actually getting what we need — and the cycle continues.

Social Expectations for Connections

Within human society, there are a variety of different ways that people can connect. There are connections with friends and family, as well as romantic connections. For the sake of simplicity, let’s keep the categories to platonic and romantic.

Within each of these broad categories are specific expectations. We’ve been told since we were young that having friends means we get to hang out with people who share similar interests and will be there to have fun with and to help us with any problems we might have.

When it comes to family, their role is to help us grow by teaching us the skills we need to function within society. We are supposed to feel safe around our family and know that no matter what is going on in our life, we can go to them and have them tell us that everything is going to be okay or help us find a solution to whatever problem we might have. They will always love and accept us, no matter what.

For romantic relationships, we are told that ONE person is going to be there for us the rest of our life. They are going to accept us for who we are and love every fiber of our being. When things get tough, they’ll be there to hold our hands and wipe away our tears. During good times, they’ll be there to laugh.

In a romantic relationship, we get the best of both worlds. Not only will we have the basis of friendship, but it goes beyond that. There will be an entire being connection, one that takes place on a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Finding this one person will make us feel complete, like we are whole and that nothing in the world can ever knock us down.

Expectations Dashed by Reality

Again, in theory, the definitions of these relationships sound really good. But when reality comes into play, both romantic and platonic relationships fall short.

Unfortunately, despite the guidelines and expectations that are set forth, very few people in the world can live up to them. There are too many factors that come into play; too much baggage that we each bring with us to the connection.

And we have expectations of our own.

Sure, we may want all of the things that we are supposed to get from these different connections, but some of us want so much more. Not only do we want to feel like the only person in the world in a romantic relationship, we want to be that. Any other connection our significant other has threatens our existence, forcing us to take drastic measures to ensure we become the center of that relationship’s universe.

In friendships, perhaps we want more than the other person can give. Maybe we want a platonic relationship to become a romantic one. Or maybe we discover that our family was never prepared to be there like they’re supposed to.

Society may set forth expectations of what relationships should look like, but it also sends mixed messages. It tells us that if we really want to make it in this life, we have to do it ourselves. We can’t be afraid to leave people behind who are holding us back, who don’t have our best intentions in mind, who threaten our ability to be the best we can be.

It’s the whole, pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mentality. The idea that if you are truly going to be successful, this is a task that can only be achieved by you. If you have to step on people on the way up, that’s encouraged, because what’s at the top is what you deserve.

Survival of the Fittest?

Where did this mentality come from?

Was it something that took hold by watching nature and developing the idea of survival of the fittest?

This is definitely an idea that pervades our thinking. We have to be strong and tough, otherwise we won’t make it.

But what does that mean?

What are we striving to do?

The idea of survival of the fittest applies to creatures being able to pass their genes on to the next generation. But if you actually study nature and look at what makes a species successful, it’s not about being “strong,” it’s about being able to adapt. It’s recognizing that the environment around them is changing and doing what is necessary to survive in the new conditions.

There may have been a point in time when us humans were subjected to these same rules, but they no longer apply. While we are still impacted by parts of our environment, we have found ways to make it bow to our whims. We change our surroundings to better suit our wants and needs. We’ve thrown the whole system out of whack.

Perhaps that further encourages our sense of entitlement and desire for more. We’ve already “accomplished” so much. Maybe we think that we are invincible and can continue our dominance, so why wouldn’t we keep pressing forward?

In the process, there are members of our society who aren’t afraid to leave others behind. To sever connections in the name of progress. But what are they really gaining? What type of world are they creating?

Explaining Away the Discrepancies

With society sending mixed messages about connections, it’s hard for us to know where we stand. We try to find a compromise, some middle ground, only to realize that it’s not possible when dealing with such extremes.

Of course, there are people out there who do find meaningful connections in both their platonic and romantic relationships, but for a lot of us, we don’t get what we want and/or need.

It’s also hard to determine if a relationship is going to be beneficial or not. There are too many people who use manipulation and underhanded tactics to get what they want and need — and it often doesn’t result in giving back.

Relationships, no matter which type, require both parties being invested and willing to give as well as take. More often than not, they are one sided.

And there is nothing more devastating than the people who are supposed to always be connected to you not fulfilling their end of the bargain.

This is often dismissed as humans being humans. We are far from perfect, and our lives are riddled with mistakes. Even though the expectations are in place, society doesn’t actually expect that their members will live up to them, so people bend them to fulfill their own desires.

There is, of course, always room for improvement, and life is never going to be as easy as we want it to be.

However, for a species that thrives on being connected, it seems counterintuitive that we fight loving each other so hard.

Inspiration Gone Wrong

I’m a huge fan of inspirational quotes. I love to see them in social media feeds, and when someone I know is going through something, I spend a lot of time looking for the perfect sentiments to send them to help them feel better—or at least let them know that I’m thinking about them.

The best quotes are those that are written by humans. If you’re thinking, “Wow. What an odd thing to say. Why would anyone else but humans write inspirational quotes?”, it’s because there is a website where AI will develop “inspirational” quotes for you.

Let me tell you: most of the time, these are quotes that have gone wrong. Despite this, it’s actually quite entertaining to see what will pop up every time you click the “Generate” button. Some are so off the wall, it makes your head want to explode, others make you laugh.

Here are some that I enjoyed and want to share with you. If you want to generate your own, head over to the site and see what you get!

 

For this last one, it feels like the AI wasn’t confident in what it had to say. The tiny print makes me think it is trailing off and mumbling under its breath.

 

 

The Biggest Snooze Fest

As a child, I thought that the most important conversations were those that occurred between adults. I mean, they seemed so enthralled with what they were saying to one another, and if me or my siblings ever tried to interrupt, we would get in trouble.

These conversations seemed so intriguing that I would attempt to recreate them during play or with my own friends. I did my best, but it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, talking to others just wasn’t that big.

While these conversations seemed important, it didn’t take long for them to get boring. If my parents or other adults started talking for longer than a few minutes, I was sure that the world was going to come to an end. I had to find things to keep me entertained and awake.

Most of the time, that also resulted in me getting into trouble. With the adults’ attention focused on their conversation, it usually meant the rest of us kids would start running around or engaging in rough housing. That usually cut most conversations short.

The “Important” Conversations

Now that I’m an adult, I find that my assessment of most conversations as a child were spot on: they are boring. Hardly anything adults have to say to one another is intriguing or interesting.

I would have never guessed in my younger years that adults were so obsessed with the weather or moisture levels.

Seriously, the only time weather should be of any concern is if there’s a big storm moving through or one has already moved through and you’re asking another person if they have supplies to see them through.

Nice days don’t need to be commented on. If I’m outside doing something, I’m fully aware how beautiful it is. The weather isn’t so vain that it needs constant validation for being sunny and warm.

And work talk. Ugh! I get that people may be interested in knowing what you do for a living, but do we really have to dive into the details? Especially when we’re not at work? Let me enjoy my time away without having to worry about assignments I didn’t complete or thinking that what I do for a paycheck defines who I am.

Engaging in “Safe” Conversations

Are humans really that bad at conversing with one another? Or do they not care enough about each other to engage on a deep level?

My assumption is that both of these play a role.

The worst conversations that occur is when people are trying to form relationships — whether platonic or romantic. Rejection is a serious consideration, and since most people don’t want to get dismissed outright, they attempt to play it safe. They try to make their conversations neutral — i.e., boring.

I get it: there are certain situations where diving into your personal traumas and fears isn’t a good idea. You need to be polite but also social. And maybe you don’t want to share your innermost fears and desires with the individual you’re talking to (I’ve been there many a times).

But if you’re only willing to talk about the “approved” topics, then you aren’t going to get anywhere anyway. Staying “safe” doesn’t convey interest.

One of the most common places to see this type of interaction is on dating apps. I often think back to my “adventures” on these sites and shake my head at the wrongness of it all.

A lot of it boils down to fear of rejection. With so many people on these sites, standing out is challenging. The chances of being ignored or ghosted is extremely high. Sending a message that just says “Hi” or “Hello” or some variation thereof lets you gauge the other person’s interest.

At the same time, it’s also setting you up for failure.

There’s a reason there are numerous articles on the web that say, “Don’t send messages like this.” These articles often recommend that men don’t post pictures of themselves posing with dead animals or taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror. If you’ve even been a woman on a dating site, you know they don’t heed that advice either.

Those messages let the other person know that you exist, and they may be willing to look at your profile, but it probably won’t go beyond that.

The same thing occurs in real life. If you walk up to someone you don’t know and just say, “Hi,” you’re probably going to get a weird look. You may have a bit more luck in getting them to respond, but then again, maybe not.

The Most Engaging Conversations

I hate small talk. Absolutely h-a-t-e it. I will engage in it for a while, but then boredom takes over and I’ll look for an escape.

So what do I find interesting?

I want to talk about your hopes and dreams. I want to talk about your favorite childhood pet or the oldest thing you have in your fridge (and why it’s still there). If I really like you, I want to hear all about your childhood traumas and what causes you anxiety. I want to know the last good cry you had, or the moment that made you laugh so hard you peed your pants.

But these aren’t “approved” topics. No one wants to open themselves up to others in this way because it’s uncomfortable — it doesn’t feel safe.

Understandably so. If anyone knows what it’s like to have personal experiences used against them, it’s me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about them. It just means I’m going to be selective about who I share them with.

And not everything has to be trauma talk. There are soooooo many other conversation topics that don’t revolve around the weather and work that can be interesting to talk about.

But there’s an unspoken rule that says once you become an adult, important conversations have to be boring.

If I had known that as a child, I would have made sure I had more silly conversations and didn’t try so hard to hone my speaking skills.

How Do I Converse?

As I said, if I have to, I will engage in boring, safe conversations, but I prefer to talk about other topics.

I’m not afraid to ask “weird” questions. Before getting too bizarre, I may ask about the most recent book you’ve read or your favorite movie. If you seem willing to indulge and get into a deeper level of conversation, I’ll keep it going.

You may recall when I was telling my dating stories that I would send questions to people such as “What song best describes your life” or “What three people (living or dead, real or fictional) would you pick for your zombie apocalypse team?” Sometimes I would get answers, most times I would get ignored.

What’s interesting is that more often than not, I would not get asked the same question back — or any question, for that matter. The person would be willing to answer what I asked, but then the conversation would die because they refused to engage.

Perhaps the topic was out of their comfort zone, or maybe they just weren’t interested. *Shrug* Hard to say.

But very few people will engage on this level — especially when they first meet someone. If this conversation occurs in real life, more often than not, I’ll get side glances or a person’s friend will happen by that they just have to talk to. Not that any of that bothers me. Talking shop is a slow death for me, so I prefer to stand in the corner by myself and just watch.

I also like to eavesdrop.

Taking conversations out of context can make things interesting, even if they’re talking about the weather. I then get to make up my own stories about what’s going on in their lives, which is usually preferable to what is actually going on.

Talking to Myself

Thankfully, I do have places I can go where the people I talk to are willing to dive into those deeper levels of conversation and we all get to know each other on a spiritual level — and it happened from the moment I first met them.

This is a rare occasion, but it’s a magical one.

In addition, I always have myself to talk to, and that seems to happen more and more. I enjoy these inner dialogues; they help me understand who I am or who I want to be.

I also know that I’ll always be there to answer the tough, weird questions.

I don’t begrudge anyone their right to talk about what makes them comfortable, but if it focuses on the weather, the amount of moisture we’re getting this summer, or a job, I probably won’t stay engaged for long.

That could be a good thing or a bad thing.

You get to decide.

Would the World Seem Less Bleak if My Interests Changed?

I am endlessly fascinated with the dark side of humanity. I know far too much about serial killers and the dark triad of personalities. I’ve recently become obsessed with WWII and the atrocities perpetrated by a handful of individuals. I’m curious about WWI and the other conflicts that have occurred throughout history, and I’m looking for good sources to really dive into what happened.

I watch documentaries and read books about the terrible things humans do to one another, and I put many of my own characters through horrific trials and tribulations that leave them traumatized and scarred.

There are times when I question my interests in the seedy side of humanity, but I know it’s not because I want to be like any of those people. There’s no way I would be able to commit murder, and I wouldn’t even try — w-a-y too much work for my tastes.

So where does my interest in the macabre come from?

Understanding My World

In an attempt to answer that question, I have to look deep within myself and the life I have experienced. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve known narcissists. They’ve played a major role in my life and have shaped me into the person I am.

Perhaps my desire to understand another person’s ability to manipulate and control those around them will help me understand myself. Maybe having knowledge of their personalities and modus operandi will keep me safe and from becoming a victim once again.

There definitely seems to be a desire not to repeat the past.

But, then again, maybe it’s just my natural human curiosity that draws me to these dark individuals. My desire to learn about them and be fascinated by what they’ve done is not unique. There are many, many people around the world who share my passion — that’s why there are so many resources about these individuals.

Another option I often consider is that by learning about these terrible people, it reinforces my view of the world. For people who know me well, they are aware of my cynicism and bleak outlook on life. They know that it’s hard for me to find the good in things and in people. By watching shows and reading books about the evil that exists, I continue the cycle of thinking that world is a bad place.

Would Things Change if I Changed My Outlook?

One of the things that is repeated throughout many different self-help books and in inspirational quotes and advice is this idea that if you surround yourself with positivity, that’s what you’ll attract.

There are some inherent issues with this type of thinking, including the fact that believing positivity is the only emotion worth experiencing can actually have a negative impact on you.

As humans, we are our range of emotions, and we need to feel and experience them all. Thinking that positivity is the only emotion worth acknowledging can make you feel like you’ve failed if you experience anything else.

But I digress.

I don’t think that all of the advice about thinking positively or envisioning the life you want to live is completely bad. After all, what are we if we don’t have our hopes and dreams?

There have even been times when I’ve tried taking this approach, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right. It feels unnatural and exhausting to always be bright and cheery — but maybe that’s just me.

Another bit of advice that is often given is to surround yourself with the vibes that you want to attract. This is just a variation on positivity, but in small doses, I don’t think it’s meant to be harmful. The hope is that with enough time and exposure, the happiness around you will permeate your being and make you feel better.

If I stopped reading and watching stuff about Nazis and serial killers, would the world seem like a better place?

Or would I just be deluding myself into thinking that such things don’t exist? Turning a blind eye, in essence, to the terrible things that occur?

Changing Habits for a Different Life

When it comes to changing your life, whether it’s in small or profound ways, the first step is to change your habits. For anyone who has ever tried to do this, you know how incredibly challenging this can be.

In truth, learning about the dark side of humanity is a habit. I may classify it as an interest, but it’s also become part of who I am and what I like to do.

Of course, on the other side of that debate is the idea that if this is something I like and enjoy, would giving it up be detrimental to my wellbeing? The subject matter may not be bright and sunshine-y, but it’s still something that makes me happy.

I suppose that’s the question that surrounds any vice. Sure, they make the person happy and feel good, but — in the long run — are they really good for us? Is learning about serial killers and other horrible people really that good for me? Is it helping me in any way?

But also: is it hurting me?

All of those are the real questions, aren’t they? Those are the things that keep me up at night and have me questioning my existence and what life means.

Perhaps I will do an experiment. Maybe for one week, I will focus on the “positive” — or at least watch TV shows and read books that are happy and uplifting. After that, I will see how I feel. From there, I can decide how I want to proceed.

Of course, the next thing I have to figure out is what will I find interesting and engaging?

Is My Outlook Really that Bad?

Underlying all of these questions and issues is the question about whether or not my outlook on life is really that bad.

It’s dark, for sure, but does that equate to bad?

If you think about it, the seedy side of life is all I’ve really known. I may not have been exposed to serial killers or experienced the horrors of WWII firsthand, but I have lived with my share of trauma. I have seen the world through panicked, anxious eyes and wondered if I would survive.

As unsettling as it seems, there is comfort in the behaviors of psychopaths. When that’s what you’ve known and what you’ve been exposed to, you feel like you understand what’s going on. Life feels predictable.

It’s weird to think about. It’s also something worth exploring. Like I said, perhaps I will start with a week and see how things go from there. If nothing else, I may gain some insight into who I truly am.

Feeding My Brain

From the last few posts, it looks like I’ve been spending a lot of my time watching TV. Don’t be fooled! I actually don’t watch that much. It takes me quite a bit of time to get through a TV series on Netflix and/or Amazon because I don’t binge watch. I like to drag the series out for as long as possible.

For some reason, I also have this unspoken rule that I won’t turn the TV on before 4:00 pm. I will sometimes break that on the weekend, but it’s pretty rare for me to watch TV before that time during the week.

If I’m not working, to keep myself entertained, I’ll read.

Getting Back Into Books

Believe it or not, but in the past few years, my reading has really fallen off. There were times when my boys were babies that I was reading a book a week. Part of that was because I was awake at all hours of the day and night taking care of kids, but the other part was because I was home and had time on my hands.

When I was writing, I wouldn’t read as much because I didn’t want to be “influenced” by whoever I was reading at the time. Plus, my spare time was filled with creating stories.

Since I haven’t been writing lately and I don’t watch TV until late afternoon, I needed something to keep me busy. I figured I could get back into reading.

I hesitated doing this, though. All I could think about was how expensive it was going to be. Then I remembered: I have a library card.

I’m happy to say that I am currently back to reading a book a week, on average. If they are around 200 to 300 pages long and interesting, I can get through them fairly quickly. AND I still have time to watch TV during the day.

Keeping Things Interesting

For a long time, I wasn’t what you would call an adventurous reader. I had my favorite genres and authors and would stick to what I knew.

Y-e-a-r-s ago, I joined a book club to help break me out of my shell, but it actually reinforced why I stuck with what I knew. It hasn’t been until the last few years that I’ve really broken out of my shell and found books outside of what I normally read.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ll still come back to my comfort zone, but I’m not afraid to venture outside of it more frequently.

One of the things I do to keep thing interesting is to switch between fiction and nonfiction. I have no rules or criteria when it comes to choosing which book to read. I just find something that sounds interesting and give it a try.

So far, there’s only been a couple of books that I haven’t been able to finish.

Keeping Track of My Endeavors

When I made the decision to get back into reading, I knew I was going to go all in — which meant I would forget which books I’d already read. I wracked my brain to figure out how to keep track, and then I remembered that I still had a Goodreads page.

I haven’t been on there for a while, but I figured I might get some use out of it. If you’re curious about what I’ve read or am currently reading, then look me up on Goodreads.

I will rate the books, but I haven’t left a review yet — mainly because I don’t have a lot of time. I really just want to move from one book to another and keep feeding my brain (and keep myself busy).

Although, I am thinking about talking about some of my favorites here on my blog. We shall see how the mood takes me.

Finding New Favorites

I have to say, now that I’ve broken out of my shell and am trying out new authors, I’ve found some new favorites. I’ve also expanded my can-only-be-used-to-play-trivia knowledge base, which makes life so much more enjoyable.

If I ever go to a party, I’ll be able to keep people entertained by some newfound knowledge about the epidemic years of serial killers, the Romanov sisters, and the Korean War, among other historical tidbits.

Getting back into reading has started to relight that fire of literature deep inside me. Maybe this is what I need to take to be able to write again — or not. 

Right now, I’m just appreciating the hard work and effort others have gone through to entertain readers. I’m enjoying being able to escape to new worlds for a while and learning things about the one in which we live.

More Options for Entertainment

Netflix isn’t the only streaming service that has a production studio. Amazon creates its own TV shows and movies as well — and some of them are worth checking out.

The most recent one I’ve started watching is The Legend of Vox Machina.

This is an animated series that follows a group of mercenaries who are trying to earn some money to survive. It’s definitely not kid-friendly, as there is a lot of cussing, gore, and nudity.

However, it’s highly entertaining for adults.

One of the reasons I really enjoy this show is because it’s, in essence, an animated D&D quest. From what I understand, the creators actually have a YouTube channel where they share their quests for people to watch. I haven’t taken the time to check it out (I’ve also read that some of them are super long), but you don’t need that background to understand what’s going on for Vox Machina.

I Never Had a Chance to Play

Back in college, I had a friend who was trying to get me into D&D. I made it as far as creating a character (which felt like it took f-o-r-e-v-e-r!), but then he died in a car accident, so we never made it beyond that initial stage.

I kind of felt like I would betray what we had started together, so I never pursued playing D&D. I’ve always been intrigued with it though. It’s another form of storytelling, and the amount of work and the escapism that goes into it is so intriguing.

Getting Back to the Show

Vox Machina does really well with character development and keeping audiences entertained. The animation is also incredibly slick.

If you like medieval quest cartoons and a lot of gore and cussing, then I recommend checking out Vox Machina. If nothing else, it’s a lot of fun and will help you kill 20 minutes during the day.

Other Amazon TV Show Options

Amazon has a ton of other exclusive options to choose from, but I haven’t really been sucked into any other shows. I started watching Carnival Row, but I haven’t revisited it. It wasn’t terrible, it just wasn’t overly exciting.

In all honesty, I don’t think I was in the right mental space to be watching it at the time. It seems to have everything I enjoy in a show: strange mythical creatures, social commentary, war, and mystery and intrigue, but I couldn’t get past Orlando Bloom’s character who left his wife for 7 years. I totally get that it’s part of who these characters are and I’m sure there is an explanation for it, but it was triggering for me.

I’m sure I’ll go back to it at some point. We’ll have to see where life takes me.

The only other show I’m watching right now on Amazon is Ghost Hunters Classic. I had to get a subscription to a channel to be able to watch them, but it’s only an extra $5 a month, so it was worth it.

Ghost Hunters Has Been Around for a While

If you aren’t familiar with Ghost Hunters, the show follows a team of investigators as they go into supposedly haunted locations and try to catch proof of the paranormal. They also go in and try to debunk a lot of claims, which means they are looking for a rational reason to explain what people have experienced.

Sometimes the find something normal, sometimes they find something paranormal. Jason, Grant, Steve, Tango, and the others have become national icons and treasures.

I remember watching Ghost Hunters for the first time when I was pregnant with my oldest. I have distinct memories of sitting in my trailer and watching as shadow figures looked over the railing of the St. Augustine lighthouse in Florida. I remember my eyes getting wide and a chill crawling up my spine, but I was also intrigued. I had never seen anything like that before.

I became a regular watcher of the show and caught it as often as I could. I even watched the new seasons when they came out in the past few years (both Ghost Hunters and Ghost Nation) — and I’m hoping they offer more episodes.

Not only do I really enjoy this show because it brings back memories from the past decade, but my oldest son is really into it, so we watch it together.

Thankfully, there are many, many seasons, so we’ve been kept busy watching this for a while. Since it’s been so long since I’ve watched the show, I don’t remember a lot of what happens. Most of them are still new to me!

Not every episode is super exciting, and there have been many occasions when both my oldest and I have fallen asleep while watching.

Overall, though, I really enjoy the show and love that I get to watch it with my boy.

Once we’ve gotten through all of these seasons, we can move on to Ghost Hunters International, which also brings me back to the past and will keep us entertained for a while.

So Many Shows, So Little Time

Like Netflix, one of the reasons that shows on Amazon are exciting to watch is because they feel new. You can, of course, find cookie-cutter shows if that’s what you enjoy, but Amazon also has the ability to take chances and create shows that aren’t considered mainstream, which has found them a lot of success.

If you haven’t watched The Boys, I highly recommend you check that out.

There are so many options to choose from, you’re sure to find something you adore. If you find something that you can’t get enough of, let me know what it is. I may find some time to check it out.

The Korean Shows on Netflix are Killing it

My relationship with Netflix has been hit and miss — with more misses than hits. I’ve had a subscription to the provider since waaaay back in the day, when they offered DVDs through the mail (if that doesn’t date me, not much does).

The appeal of getting DVDs in the mail meant not having to go to the store to pick out a movie and then drop it off when I was done. There also weren’t any late fees, which meant I could keep a movie for as long as I wanted. 

Netflix was supposed to make it easy and convenient to watch films at home, and it did — for a while. Lack of selection and having to get the DVD to the mailbox made this option less than ideal for me. So, I cancelled my subscription.

I tried Netflix again when it focused more on streaming movies than DVDs. It was nice to have movies at the touch of a button without having to pay extra for them, but the selection was still quite lacking at this point. I didn’t watch shows as often as I could. It made it difficult to justify paying a monthly fee when I wasn’t accessing movies on a monthly basis.

Netflix Changes the Scene

Again, I cancelled my subscription and moved on with my life. Netflix continued to evolve and change. Not only did they offer movies that other people had made, but they got into the production business. They started making their own.

This really changed things. No longer was Netflix beholden to others and only allowed to show movies that studios allowed them to display. They could create their own content, which opened up new revenue streams and broadened their offerings to audiences.

This became especially beneficial during the first year of the pandemic when people were trapped inside and looking for new shows to watch. Netflix delivered during this time.

What’s nice about Netflix creating their own shows and movies is that they don’t have to abide by the rules of Hollywood. They take chances and look for stories that mainstream doesn’t find commercial.

They don’t have to worry as much about how much money the show or movie will make because they don’t rely on ticket sales. They rely on views, so if it turns out a show or movie isn’t doing well, they’ll cancel it.

The point is that they can take chances that Hollywood refuses to take. They can offer audiences something new and different.

They offer a lot of the same things that you can find on other streaming services, but that’s to be expected. Netflix still wants to make money, and having shows that they know will do that keeps them in business and gives them revenue to be more experimental.

I’m Impressed with What I Find

I had been away from Netflix for a while, so I didn’t really know what they had to offer. When I started browsing, I was impressed with what I found. Not only could I find TV shows that I had watched in my younger days, but there were also new selections to choose from.

One of the options I’ve been super impressed with is the Korean TV shows and movies Netflix has to offer. I’ve watched quite a few, and I have to say: I’m hooked.

Sweet Home

I found this series while searching for “horror” on Netflix. I knew from the moment I read the description that I wanted to watch this show.

Sweet Home follows a group of survivors who are trapped in an apartment building after monsters rise up and start killing.

Visually, it’s a bit bizarre — but in a wonderful way! Every monster is different, and instead of being computer generated (although I’m sure they are), they almost look like Claymation. They are relentless and incredibly hard to kill, so many of the same monsters keep coming back.

As you can imagine, there is an “us vs. them” theme that runs throughout the show. Monsters vs. humans. But that gets blurred. I’m not going to tell you how because that gives the show away, but know that it was done well.

Not only are the monsters weird and wonderful, but the way they humans are portrayed is phenomenal. I cried many times throughout the series because it gave me the feels.

Overall, Sweet Home was a great mix of horror and gore and humanity. I totally recommend it. There’s only one season right now, which is a total bummer. I want to know what happens…yesterday!

Kingdom

I started watching this show after it was recommended by several different people. It’s about zombies, so I wasn’t opposed to watching it.

The great thing about Kingdome is that it’s a period piece. It takes place in Korea’s medieval Joseon era, which apparently spans from 1392-1910. The show takes place in the earlier part of that era, and the lack of technology is incredibly apparent and works to create tension.

I mean, can you imagine trying to fight zombies when the only guns you own have to be reloaded after every shot? And they aren’t slow zombies — they run. I don’t care how fast you are, get into a horde and that gun ain’t helpin’ you at all.

Thankfully, most of the characters were skilled with swords, but that still puts them much too close to the snapping jaws of the undead. And the zombies don’t get tired and usually occur in far greater numbers than the survivors. You know the odds are stacked against humanity (which, of course, is the point — it’s a zombie show!).

Throughout the show, the zombies were used for many different reasons, including destroying the Japanese threat that was attempting to overtake Korean lands, and to make the population believe the King was still alive.

There were lies and intrigue throughout, and the story was incredibly interesting. There are two seasons of this show on Netflix, and both of them kept me on the edge of my seat. I loved the costumes and other visuals.

Of course, as is typical of zombie shows, the question of who the real monster is always arises, and that’s no different in Kingdom. The bad guys get their come uppins in spectacular fashion, and there are enough sympathetic characters to pull you through each episode and keep you interested to find out what happens to them.

There’s also quite a bit of zombie gore, so you always remember you’re watching a zombie show.

One thing that always made me chuckle was when the zombies ran and attacked, a lot of the time they didn’t use their arms. If you watch it, see if you notice that and let me know what you think.

I also watched the special episode of Kingdom that was made: Ashin of the North. That one is about 90 minutes long, and it proposes another reason why the zombies are overtaking the land. It was good. It seems like Ashin will find her way into season 3 of Kingdom, so it will be interesting to see how those story lines come together.

Again, this is another one I recommend. Not only is it an excellent addition to the zombie genre, but it does a great job of showing the struggle of humanity.

Hellbound

I had no intention of watching this show. It popped up on my recommended list because of the other shows I was watching, and after reading the description, I was like, “Yeah. Not into overly religious stuff, thanks.”

I put it off and put it off, then one weekend, I had nothing else to watch, so I gave it a try.

I have no regrets.

It has the typical good vs. evil tropes you expect to find. Hellbound focuses on people’s unquestioning faith of religious doctrine and how they use it to structure their lives or gain control over others. I expected to find that in the show, but the way it was handled was intriguing.

I’m a big fan of creature features, and the creatures they have within this show are brutal and unstoppable. We don’t know where they come from either, and that mystery keeps the show interesting and the audience wanting to find out exactly what is going on.

There’s only one season so far, and after doing some research, I’m not sure if there’s going to be a live-action season 2. I hope there is because there was a doozy of a cliffhanger. I’m not going to spoil it. You’ll have to watch it yourself.

Whether you are religious or not, there’s enough in Hellbound to have you questioning humanity and society’s rules. I’m naturally cynical, so this show reinforced a lot of my ideas about people. I thoroughly enjoyed it and recommend it to others.

More Options to Choose From

The three Korean shows I’ve listed here just scratch the surface of what’s currently available on Netflix, but they are killing it. I’ll more than likely check out the others that are offered.

Have any of you seen these shows? What did you think?

Any recommendations for what I should watch next?

Diving Headfirst into Self-Help

One of the discussions that surrounds mental health is whether it is caused by genetics or environmental factors. The classic “nature vs. nurture” debate. 

There are studies and evidence that support both theories, and then the question focuses around which came first: the genetic disposition for mental illness, or environmental factors that brought them to the forefront. In essence, it’s like asking if the chicken or the egg came first.

Understanding mental illness is important when it comes to dealing with it. The reason science wants to determine if nature or nurture is responsible for the issue is so that it can look for ways to prevent it. But looking at it from that perspective misses the point. In many cases, mental illness has already presented itself in a person. At that point, finding a way to heal is essential.

I know from experience that my mental illnesses come from both nature and nurture. My maternal grandmother took anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication for practically her whole life. My dad has been impacted by anxiety and panic. When necessary, he would take Xanax. 

I was “lucky” enough to be “blessed” with both of these ailments. For as long as I can remember, even in my early teens, I was prone to bouts of depression. Looking back as an adult, I can also pinpoint moments of anxiety. I didn’t know what they were at the time, but I can see the signs now.

Alcoholism is also something that runs through my family. I had the pleasure of falling down that rabbit hole in my late teens and early 20s. Mainly, it became a coping device for my depression and anxiety; a way to combat the cold, hollowness that often presented in the center of my chest and touched me to my soul.

In addition to the genetic disposition of mental illness, environmental factors would influence how I felt. Now, I know that these moments are called “triggers.” At the time, I just knew that the people around me were making me feel like shit.

Not Knowing What I Was Dealing With

The thing that made all of these mental issues more challenging was the fact that we didn’t talk about them in my family. Grandma may have been taking medication daily to ensure she remained even, but I didn’t know this until later in life. When my mom was little, it was always referred to as her “nerve pill.” 

When I still lived at home, my family and I took a trip to Iowa every summer to visit family. Apparently, my dad had a map with all of the hospitals on the route marked -- just in case he had a medical emergency. That would have been his anxiety. My mom didn’t even know about that map until a couple of years ago when my anxiety was taking over my life and he shared that tidbit of information with me.

Mental illness carries a lot of stigma around it. People don’t always like to share that they are suffering because they may be ridiculed, shunned, or dismissed. Or potentially all three and then some other horrible things. Instead, they suffer in silence.

Unfortunately, this isn’t helpful. It’s also how generational trauma gets passed down. Ignoring the situation doesn’t make it go away. Not talking about the issues makes the child feel like what they are experiencing is abnormal, so they hide it away for fear of being different. That’s how I felt.

The Impacts of Mental Health Issues

As you can imagine, this did not lend itself to healthy coping practices. I didn’t have the vocabulary, let alone any type of knowledge, to understand what I was going through. Since many of these issues were secret shames of the family, I felt like I needed to hide how I was feeling.

Not only did I fall spectacularly into unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I also developed terrible life habits and patterns as well. Since the adults in my life didn’t talk about the hard subjects, including recognizing toxicity in myself and other people, I often fell victim to manipulative people. My “first abuser” walked into my life when I was in kindergarten. There was a steady string of them through my life from then on.

Of course, I can recognize these patterns and issues now because I’ve done the work. 

I dove headfirst into self-help and discovered vocabulary to define and explain the things I’ve been feeling throughout my entire life. It took a long time to get there. And I came into the self-help practice thinking that there was something wrong with me; that I was broken and needed to be fixed. I believed that I was the reason that the relationships around me kept crumbling and falling apart.

Don’t get me wrong: I did play a role in the outcomes of my relationships, but I wasn’t always to blame. Just because I didn’t recognize the traits/red flags of a narcissist did not mean I deserved the abuse I was put through. Just because I may have had codependency or people-pleasing issues, that didn’t mean I deserved to be taken advantage of, used, and then abandoned like I didn’t matter.

We all make decisions in life. 

We get to decide on a moment to moment basis how we are going to act toward the people around us.

The individuals I most often surrounded myself with made a conscious decision to treat me like trash. That was their choice. If I wasn’t the subject of their bad behavior, someone else would have been. The only reason I tolerated it for so long was because I didn’t know better. I thought the way I was being treated was normal.

It took me a long time to get to that realization. And before I could get there, I had to understand what was going on with me. That’s when reading self-help books became beneficial.

Knowledge Gained

More often than not, I would learn about a certain personality trait, behavior disorder, or mental illness through reading. I found out about my depression in college, which was the first time I took a depression inventory. 

My anxiety came to light in adult life, after the first time I had a panic attack. I was in therapy at the time, and I explained to my therapist what had happened, and that’s when we went through the signs and symptoms and I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

Having this information was both beneficial and detrimental. I at least had a name to put to how I was feeling, but I chalked it up to nature (my genes), so I assumed I was stuck with feeling like shit for the rest of my life. It wasn’t until my anxiety and depression got worse that I discovered that environmental factors could impact their onset and severity.

I learned about codependency and people pleasing. I became curious about what these issues entailed. Part of me also thought that if I fixed these things about myself, it would fix my relationship with others. 

Part of that thought process was true.

Truth be told, neither codependency or people-pleasing are good traits to possess. In essence, they are survival mechanisms. They are ways to deal with horrible situations to ensure you get the attention and support you need to live in the world. 

More often than not, they develop in childhood as a way to appeal to parents or other caregivers to ensure you are taken care of. They are a learned trait that ensures you don’t die. You bring these behaviors with you into adulthood because they were reinforced and worked for you at a young age. 

Unfortunately, they don’t often serve you once you become an adult.

From learning about codependency and people-pleasing, I also discovered other issues such as complex PTSD, disassociation, trauma, abandonment wounds, and so many others. Not everything I found applied to me, but a lot did. And it felt wonderful to finally understand what was going on in my brain -- the physical and emotional side of it.

But it was also really hard. 

Learning that I was a people-pleaser or codependent hit me hard. 

I had always taken pride in my independence. To find out I wasn’t actually being independent but changing my personality based on who I was around and the situation I was in forced me to see that I had no idea who I truly was. I was so concerned with making sure other people liked me, I gave up my identity and tried to become what I thought they wanted me to be. I had no true self.

Learning this helped explain why I was prone to depression and anxiety. It’s a lot of work changing yourself to meet the needs and expectations of those around you, and it can be incredibly contradictory. Since I had to lose my true self in the process, I was left confused and lost. 

I couldn’t relate to myself any more. 

I often felt disconnected from my mind and body (disassociation). This caused me to lose touch with my feelings, making me feel numb. Or like I had a hole in my soul. 

The coping mechanisms I employed couldn’t be sustained for long. I did what I could for years, but it became apparent that they would eventually kill me. At this point, I had kids to think about. They became my focus and reason for living.

Finding Myself the Hard Way

While this is grand and noble and helped me get my shit together, it wasn’t all that I needed. 

I was still disconnected from myself and needed validation and approval from the people around me. 

That’s why I tried so hard to get my then-husband to love me. That’s why it cut me to the core when friends or family members decided they no longer liked me. 

From my self-help books, I learned that they were tearing open my abandonment wound and pouring salt into it.

Again, the fear of abandonment was something that developed early in childhood. It was actually what drove me to develop codependency and people-pleasing traits. 

As a child, I needed adults around to provide me with the basics, including food and shelter. I don’t remember when or how I realized that they may not be there for me (most abandonment fears form before 18 months, which is before I had developed memory), I had to look for ways to be pleasant to be around. How I achieved this as a baby, I have no idea. But I know what I did as a young child well into adulthood.

I did what I had to to survive. Since changing who I fundamentally was and ensuring the comfort of others around me worked as a kid to get (most) of my needs met, I assumed that was how life worked. I didn’t realize there were other options available to me. I didn’t know that asking for what I needed was something I could do. I settled for way less than I deserved because I was mostly getting what I wanted/needed. I had no idea more was needed to live a healthy, happy life.

I only learned these things by having some basic knowledge about mental illness and how it impacted me. I’m also an incredibly curious person that likes to learn as much as I can about the world. I’m endlessly fascinated in the human psyche and all that can go wrong -- which probably explains my obsession with serial killers.

But I was also looking for a way to make life better for those around me because I thought something was wrong with me.

The end result of my self-help journey was gaining the knowledge to grow as a person, but I didn’t come into the practice with my wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. I was still putting other people first.

The Journey Takes a Toll

The journey hasn’t been easy. It’s actually really hard to admit to myself that nature AND nurture played a role in my mental illness -- and I was my greatest enemy. 

I did a lot of damage to myself by allowing certain things to happen and not knowing myself. Learning about the toxic traits that exist within yourself isn’t exactly a moment of pride, either. Having to find out that most of my life was ruled by terrible, horrible people was shocking and depressing as well.

There’s this idea that finding yourself is an incredibly magical moment. 

The accepted imagery is that you’re on a mountaintop and the lights of heaven are shining down upon you. There may be tears, but there’s also joy and salvation. Renewal and rebirth.

The reality of self-discovery is actually quite different. 

It happens once you’ve reached rock bottom. When you find yourself in the gutter covered in filth and guilt and shame. You have nothing else to lose. You're left with only two choices: find a way up or keep living your miserable life.

I chose to pull myself up, but it hasn’t been easy. 

There are days when I slide back down and once again get covered with shame and guilt. I fall back into old patterns of people-pleasing or refuse to deal with a situation. Anxiety tingles at the edge of my existence, and thoughts of shutting down take over my mind. I cry. I rage. I throw my hands into the air and say, “Fuck it!”

But then, I realize how far I’ve come.

Yes, the journey has been hard.

Yes, I have learned unpleasant, terrible things about myself.

Yes, I have done some toxic things.

Yes, I dealt with my emotions (or lack thereof) in unhealthy ways.

I’ve hurt people.

I’ve hurt myself.

But then I look at all the things I’ve accomplished.

As of the writing of this, I’ve been sober for 14 years.

I can recognize the situations and triggers that impact my anxiety and find healthy ways to deal. Occasionally, I may still fall into panic, but the dread of attacks doesn’t impact my life as much as it used to.

I recognize the signs and symptoms of anxiety and tough feelings in my boys, and we talk about what they’re feeling. I give them ways to ground themselves and the vocabulary to put what they’re going through into words.

I’m learning to create boundaries so that manipulative people don’t get as much access to me and can’t drag me into their bleak existence.

I do what I can to validate myself and not rely on others to give my life meaning.

I’m learning that it’s okay to not be perfect and to feel all of my feelings.

Mental Illness Doesn’t Go Away

I am still plagued with mental illness, and there are occasions when I slip back into depression. That’s part of who I am, and it’s not anything I will be “cured” from. Same with anxiety. I am genetically wired to freak out at random times. I’m learning to be okay with this. I’m also learning how to keep environmental factors from spinning me out of control.

The discussion about nature vs nurture when it comes to mental illness will continue, but it’s not the most beneficial debate to have. 

The most important thing to realize is that these issues exist and they have serious impacts on a person’s life. That doesn’t make anyone unworthy or broken. All it means is that they have challenges to overcome. 

Nature and nurture have an impact, but it doesn’t have to be detrimental. It sucks diving deep into the core of your being, and there’s a lot more pain that comes with the process than you can imagine. You’ll probably find yourself plunged into darkness like you’ve never experienced. But you don’t have to stay there. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s freedom as well.

Self-help isn’t a one-and-done type of journey. You don’t read one book and find yourself cured. 

It’s a never-ending process. 

It’s something you do for the rest of your life. 

This may seem daunting and scary, but it becomes less so the more you learn about yourself. 

Through the process, I’ve discovered some absolutely amazing things about myself, and I’ve changed the dialogue around mental illness for my boys. They won’t have to suffer like I did or flounder in ignorance. 

I have empowered myself through self-discovery, and I hope to pass those tools on to the next generation. Even if my kids suffer from mental illness, I hope they know they don’t have to go it alone and there are resources and tools that can help.

Nature. Nurture. Who cares? The most important thing is to recognize that there’s an issue and find a way to take care of it.