Our species has an innate need to connect. Way back in the day, our survival depended on our ability to work together. We still have that hardwired into our brain, even though our survival doesn’t necessarily require cooperation in the same way. Still, it can be a source of discomfort and anxiety if someone doesn’t get seen the way they think they need to.
In addition to our primitive brains, another reason why so many are preoccupied with being seen is because it’s too easy to become invisible.
A World of People
Think about it: there are more than 8 billion people on this planet. Can you even fathom how many that is? If you’ve ever been in a classroom with 25 students, that can feel like a lot. If you’ve been to a stadium for a concert or sporting event with 1,000s of people, you are aware of how easy it is to get lost in the crowd.
When you start to factor in billions of people, you really start to understand how insignificant you truly are.
If you’re like most people, the thought of being invisible is distressing.
However, you might also think that if you have a few close friends or your family is really tight, then that’s all you need. But you are an exception to the rule. Most people want more than the small circle of people around them noticing what they’re up to.
Why do you think social media sites are so popular? It’s because they allow individuals to reach beyond their small section of the world and target a larger audience. They get to be seen by people around the globe, and that gives them validation and meaning.
Is it the best way to get the attention you’re looking for? Of course not. Being online also exposes you to negative comments as well as positive ones (but any publicity is good publicity, right?). Keep in mind that all of those people that are commenting on videos and posts and whatever, they’re looking to be seen as well. They don’t want to fade into obscurity either.
It’s No Fun to Fade Away
I am one of those who wanted and needed validation from outside sources.
As an author, I wanted to be able to connect to people through stories. I wanted them to tell me that I was amazing and wonderful and that my words changed their lives.
But I wanted more than that.
I also wanted them to be curious about me and become my friends. I needed to know that I could provide something of value to others, and that they could the same for me.
I did what I could to put myself out in the world.
- Blogs
- Frequent posts on various social media sites
- Was a guest on podcasts and radio shows
- Went to conventions and conferences
- Paid for advertising
- Created workshops and presentations for libraries and schools
- Had contests and looked for beta readers
- Turned my books into audiobooks
- And so much more
I also think about how it wasn’t enough.
I never became a bestseller.
I never made my initial investment in myself back.
But I told myself it was okay because I was making connections. Time and perseverance would pay off and I would eventually reach my ultimate goals.
Then, life turned to shit and I no longer had the time, funds, or energy to promote myself. I couldn’t even find the motivation to put words on a page. I fell into a deep depression and had to focus on one day at a time, and even then, it was a challenge.
The thought of being online felt dangerous and scary, so I stayed as far away as possible.
This lasted for years.
I faded away.
If I thought my sales were bad when I was promoting my work, things only got worse when I stopped.
Knowing that I had become invisible was one of the most devastating realizations I’d had in a long time. It pushed me farther into the dark place and made it harder to want to face the world.
I became extremely angry. Then, I realized that beneath that anger, my feelings were hurt. All those connections that I had made — the ones that were so important to me — weren’t important to anyone else.
The World Keeps Turning
It goes without saying that the world is a busy place and that people have their own lives. People are also incredibly finicky and have short attention spans. This isn’t a bad thing; it is what it is. If they aren’t constantly bombarded with messages and images, people will forget what they see and hear.
Why do you think advertising is so annoying?
At the same time, advertising has also conditioned many of us to block things out. That’s why it has to constantly change and evolve: to grab attention once again.
It’s possible that some of my readers wondered what had happened to me and were sad that I wasn’t posting or creating work like I had in the past, but they also had their own lives to live. Let’s not forget that the world has also been turned on it’s head in the past decade, and that has had a huge impact on what people focus on.
I can’t expect people to stop their lives and wait for me to get mine together to provide them with stories and insights. Even when I was in my “prime,” I wasn’t making the impact I thought I was.
Life goes on. Mine and everyone else’s.
Lessons Learned
Of course, through it all, I have learned some lessons from what happened. It has taken me doing a deep dive into my life and emotions, and I didn’t always like what I found, but it has helped with my hurt and anger.
The first thing I had to ask myself was why I needed to be seen so bad. One of the answers to that was because the more readers I got, the more sales I would make, and that would lead to making money so that I could live a writer’s life.
That dream didn’t last long, and it soon became apparent that I was just another book on the shelf, and being found was incredibly difficult.
I then changed my thought process and decided that as long as people were reading and enjoying my stories, that was all that mattered to me.
But it wasn’t.
I needed a connection that I could never get.
I’m not going to go into the details about why I needed that connection so bad, but just know it has to do with emotional starvation. I had assumed that others would be able to fill the hole in my being.
It turns out, that’s not the case. And since others couldn’t meet my expectations, it left me disappointed and disillusioned.
I had to face some uncomfortable truths about myself and really figure out what it is that I wanted from the rest of the world.
Being Invisible Isn’t that Bad
One of the first things I discovered was that being invisible wasn’t that bad. It meant that there were less people in the world I needed to make happy, as well as less people who could disappoint and upset me. I didn’t have to explain myself to anyone, and I was free to live my life the way I wanted.
From that thought, I moved to the idea that my life doesn’t have to be big.
I don’t need the movie contract to prove I’ve made it. I don’t need to live like Stephen King and JK Rowling to know I’m a success. Would it be nice? Hell yeah! But I need to be realistic. What I desire and what I get often are two very different things.
I also realized that just because I don’t get the results I was hoping for (or that others had expected of me), that didn’t mean I had to give up on my dreams altogether.
It wasn’t a black and white type of scenario. There was gray in the middle that I could explore.
I also decided I wasn’t going to let others force me into obscurity. It was one thing to make myself invisible, it was something else to kowtow to another’s wishes to vanish entirely.
One of the things that has always made me content was creating stories. And I wasn’t going to let anyone take that away from me.
It took me a long time to get back into writing and enjoy the process. I started small, posting to my blog again, then slowly putting posts on my FB author page. Those posts are pretty infrequent, for a variety of different reasons.
For the works I’ve already published, I once again decided to transition them from Amazon to Wattpad — at least the electronic versions. For those books that have paperbacks, they’ll still be available on Amazon.
This is me not living big. This is me creating the stories I want to create and sharing them with others — but it’s not a big deal if no one reads them.
I had someone ask me one time which novel I was most proud of, and I couldn’t pick just one. I’m proud of all of them. Each one took me time and effort to create. There’s a piece of me in every story.
And no one can take that away from me.
They may not get read, and they may not make millions of dollars, but I accomplished something amazing. I put a lot of words on a page and crafted them into a coherent narrative.
If you want to read them, that makes me happy. If you don’t, that won’t stop me from creating. Like most people, I want to be seen, but it’s not a driving factor in my life like it used to be.
I see the things that I’ve accomplished, and I’m proud of what I’ve done.
I see me.
