What You Deserve vs What You Get

If you ever find yourself going through the process of healing from narcissistic abuse, one of the things you’ll discover is that you will be asked to think about what you deserve.

The reason for this is because narcissists only give you the basics — and only when they want to — and they strip away your ability to ask for things because they don’t want to be inconvenienced or take the focus away from them.

Your wants and needs don’t matter. Only their lives have meaning, so they will only give you things if they know it will benefit them.

What are the basics? What are the bare minimums you should expect when it comes to being in a relationship (any type of relationship) with someone?

• Affection
• Compassion
• Respect
• Consideration
• Time
• Interest
• Intimacy (doesn’t have to refer to physical intimacy, it can be emotional and mental as well)
• Generosity

At the beginning of a relationship with a toxic individual, you will get these things in spades. In fact, you’ll get so much of them, you’ll truly start to believe that the person is your soul mate and that they truly understand you.

As time goes on, these things get pulled away. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you may not notice at first, but eventually, you will notice. You may make comments like, “Why don’t we do XX like we used to?” “When are things going to slow down at work?” “Did I do something wrong? Why don’t you treat me the same as you used to?”

There will be moments when you are showered with the minimums again, and life will feel grand. But then, you’ll be thrown back into the wasteland where you are rejected and ignored. By that time, you’ll have learned not to say anything about it because you will get punished in some shape and form by bringing it up. You definitely don’t want to deal with that, so you learn to take the good moments when they come and do what you can to get through the others.

The Minimum Can’t Sustain You

As much as you convince yourself otherwise, only getting the minimum infrequently won’t sustain you. It also doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. If/when you decide you want/need something more and start looking for ways to heal, you will be told to think about what you deserve.

What do you deserve?

At first, you may not think it’s much. If you’ve been conditioned and brainwashed for long enough, you will have been convinced that you are the problem and that you deserve whatever it is you get — even if it happens to be incredibly poor treatment and punishments.

As you get away from the mental and emotional abuse (and potentially the physical abuse), you will discover that the other person lied to you. You’ll realize that you are much more valuable than they ever said (which, if you think about, is the reason they kept you around in the first place), and this will lead to thinking about what you want out of the next relationship.

If nothing else, you should have the eight items listed above on your list, but you can also add to it. You don’t have to limit yourself to just those things. You can add anything and everything you think you deserve. It’s your life; you need to find a way to get the connections and relationships that are going to be sustaining and supportive. You don’t need the life sucked out of you once again.

Getting What You Deserve

Making a list and thinking about what you deserve from a partner or connection is an incredibly important part of the healing process. Remember, this doesn’t only have to apply to romantic involvements. You should also think about what you want/need from family members, coworkers, and friends — any and all of these can be toxic as well. A list can help so that you don’t ignore red flags and advocate for yourself in the future.

I put my own list together. However, one thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is whether or not I can actually get what I deserve.

My biggest wonder is if there are people out there who have the qualities that I’m looking for.

There has to be, right? There has to be others that are filled with empathy and kindness, but I seem to be having issues knowing where to find them.

Maybe they exist on dating apps, but how long do I have to stick around and deal with the blah to find out?

Maybe they exist as volunteers in my community or at my workplace, but when involved in these activities, my focus is often on other things; not trying to flirt and chat others up.

The other aspect of this that I have to keep in mind is that the person I’m looking for with these qualities is a human, which means that they are never going to perfectly fit my criteria.

They have their own agenda about what they want and don’t want in a connection, so there’s the idea of having to compromise to make things work.

For those of you who have been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you know that compromise was all you ever engaged in — but it often required you giving up things to make them happy. Very, very rarely did they ever take your wants and needs into consideration.

Thus, the thought of having to give up some of my criteria to make a relationship or connection work feels icky and uncomfortable. I start to worry if it will create a slippery slope that requires me to give more and more (because that’s what happened in the past), so instead of taking a risk, I decide it’s not worth the time and effort.

Getting vs Giving

Another aspect that I’ve really been considering when it comes to the idea of what I deserve is getting it. Why is it something I have to get from someone else when I can give it to myself?

I am fully capable of giving myself the minimums listed above. I know exactly what I need to be compassionate and show myself that I am loved and valued. Why does that have to come from an outside source?

Of course, the answer to this is that it absolutely should come from me first. That’s how I figure out exactly what I want and need, then the goal is that I can show others in my life how to treat me properly.

But they have to be willing to do that. Again, we are all interacting with other humans who have their own opinions and agendas. Just because I show them how to treat me, they don’t have to engage in the activity; that’s their prerogative.

When throwing these thoughts out to a friend, their response was that there are certain things they need from other people. I didn’t pry to find out exactly what those are, but I can see how many people would agree with that statement.

And maybe I’m weird for thinking that that particular statement is flawed.

Maybe it’s my trauma talking that leads me to believe I don’t need anyone else.

Because that’s exactly how I feel.

I don’t begrudge anyone who thinks that they need someone else to provide for them, but — again — what can they give you that you can’t give yourself?

I’m not asking to be dismissive or rude, I’m truly curious.

Does the idea of needing whatever it is from the outside source come from the deeply ingrained belief that being alone will lead to death and destruction, like it would have meant for our ancestors?

As I go through my healing journey and look back at my past to determine where many of my thought processes and patterns stemmed from, it becomes apparent that I have been failed by so many people.

I, in turn, have also failed others.

Yes, we’re all humans and prone to make mistakes, but how many of us do things to correct those moments? How many of us actually go through the work of looking at why we are the way we are and doing what we can to be better? We may not succeed, but the thought should count, right?

Driven by Fear

At the very core of all these questions is fear. A lifetime of disappointments and failures, as well as being exposed to incredibly toxic individuals, has left me untrusting and leery.

I absolutely have a list of the things I deserve, but I don’t know if I will ever actually get them. Does that mean I have to settle? Does that mean I have to rethink my list and make it fit the world around me?

To these questions, I would say no. I’ve already done too much settling and compromising.

So where does that leave me?

I don’t think there is an easy answer to any of my questions, but I also think that’s the point.

At the end of the day, all I can do is figure out what’s best for me. Perhaps that means being more patient and waiting for my person(s) to show up. Maybe that will require me rethinking my desires or making them fit with what is offered. It’s possible my thoughts will change from day to day, moment to moment.

I don’t know.

But I think that’s also part of being human — and that’s okay.

A Light Peeking Through the Clouds

Some of you may be aware that a while ago, I wondered if the world would be less bleak if I stopped reading/watching shows about serial killers and WWII.

I would like to tell you that my reduction of consumption of these materials was based on a conscious effort, but I can’t. Life has gotten incredibly busy, so I don’t have as much time to engage in extracurricular activities.

But does it really matter? Whether purposeful or not, the fact remains that I’m not viewing as much death and destruction, and that could be the reason there is a bit of sun peeking through the dark clouds of my life/attitude.

However, I’m not sure I can completely credit my new outlook solely on the changes in the type of material I’m consuming. There have been other changes in my life as well.

Healing My Wounds

I continue to go through the process of recognizing destructive patterns in my life and healing past traumas. I still dive deeply into my emotions and mind to figure out why I am the way I am. If there is anything in my power to change, I do what I can.

Healing is not an easy process. There is a lot of heartache and hurt when having to admit that some of my actions are toxic or that the people around me may not be good for me.

Change is also challenging. It brings its own set of anxieties and stress that have to be dealt with and overcome.

But going through that discomfort is necessary to get to the other side. I have seen a lot of progress, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

I’m convinced that a lot of that healing and trauma work has changed my mindset and added some color to the world. There are still shades of gray, but it’s not as overbearing as it has been in the past.

Don’t worry: I haven’t adopted a “good vibes only” or “positivity rules” mindset. If you read my blog, you know how I feel about those ideas. I still have a healthy dose of cynicism to get me through the day.

What I have done is started looking at the world through the eyes of “haves” instead of “have nots”; thinking about what I “get” to do, rather than what I’m “forced” to do or “can’t” do.

I’ve also been taking a really hard look at what’s going on around me and thinking about what I have control over and how it makes me feel. There are (of course) some things I have to endure, but there are others that I can walk away from or take actions so that I’m as comfortable as possible.

I’m Not an Optimist Yet

Changing my mindset has had an impact on how I view the world. I’m not an optimist yet, but things don’t seem as horrific as they had when I wrote that other blog post. Part of it could be the reduction in dark material, but it could also be moving forward with life as well.

Maybe it’s a little of both.

Maybe it’s just that nothing lasts forever and I’m currently in an upswing.

The only way to know for sure is to add some serial killer and WWII material back into the mix and see how it makes me feel. If I slide back into a dark place, I’ll know my viewing choices were part of the problem.

Of course, that won’t be happening any time soon, as my schedule is still fairly busy. But I will get to it as soon as possible. I noticed there’s a new special on Netflix that focuses on Gacy…

I’m discovering life is all about trial and error. There are no easy answers, and day to day, it’s about finding what works and what doesn’t.

Sometimes, nothing works.

Some days are just craptastic and littered with negative emotions—but that’s okay. Life is full of ups and downs, and getting through means finding a way to ride the waves (or at least not be drowned by them).

I’m in a good place right now, and I’ve been having more good days than bad days. Whether it’s tied to my viewing material or my mindset—or both—it doesn’t really matter. I’m going to enjoy these moments for as long as I can (remember: nothing lasts forever). 

Day to day, moment to moment, all I can do is take life as it comes.

I will also continue to do what I can to heal and test different theories to see how they make me feel—because both give me something to do.

Diving Headfirst into Self-Help

One of the discussions that surrounds mental health is whether it is caused by genetics or environmental factors. The classic “nature vs. nurture” debate. 

There are studies and evidence that support both theories, and then the question focuses around which came first: the genetic disposition for mental illness, or environmental factors that brought them to the forefront. In essence, it’s like asking if the chicken or the egg came first.

Understanding mental illness is important when it comes to dealing with it. The reason science wants to determine if nature or nurture is responsible for the issue is so that it can look for ways to prevent it. But looking at it from that perspective misses the point. In many cases, mental illness has already presented itself in a person. At that point, finding a way to heal is essential.

I know from experience that my mental illnesses come from both nature and nurture. My maternal grandmother took anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication for practically her whole life. My dad has been impacted by anxiety and panic. When necessary, he would take Xanax. 

I was “lucky” enough to be “blessed” with both of these ailments. For as long as I can remember, even in my early teens, I was prone to bouts of depression. Looking back as an adult, I can also pinpoint moments of anxiety. I didn’t know what they were at the time, but I can see the signs now.

Alcoholism is also something that runs through my family. I had the pleasure of falling down that rabbit hole in my late teens and early 20s. Mainly, it became a coping device for my depression and anxiety; a way to combat the cold, hollowness that often presented in the center of my chest and touched me to my soul.

In addition to the genetic disposition of mental illness, environmental factors would influence how I felt. Now, I know that these moments are called “triggers.” At the time, I just knew that the people around me were making me feel like shit.

Not Knowing What I Was Dealing With

The thing that made all of these mental issues more challenging was the fact that we didn’t talk about them in my family. Grandma may have been taking medication daily to ensure she remained even, but I didn’t know this until later in life. When my mom was little, it was always referred to as her “nerve pill.” 

When I still lived at home, my family and I took a trip to Iowa every summer to visit family. Apparently, my dad had a map with all of the hospitals on the route marked -- just in case he had a medical emergency. That would have been his anxiety. My mom didn’t even know about that map until a couple of years ago when my anxiety was taking over my life and he shared that tidbit of information with me.

Mental illness carries a lot of stigma around it. People don’t always like to share that they are suffering because they may be ridiculed, shunned, or dismissed. Or potentially all three and then some other horrible things. Instead, they suffer in silence.

Unfortunately, this isn’t helpful. It’s also how generational trauma gets passed down. Ignoring the situation doesn’t make it go away. Not talking about the issues makes the child feel like what they are experiencing is abnormal, so they hide it away for fear of being different. That’s how I felt.

The Impacts of Mental Health Issues

As you can imagine, this did not lend itself to healthy coping practices. I didn’t have the vocabulary, let alone any type of knowledge, to understand what I was going through. Since many of these issues were secret shames of the family, I felt like I needed to hide how I was feeling.

Not only did I fall spectacularly into unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I also developed terrible life habits and patterns as well. Since the adults in my life didn’t talk about the hard subjects, including recognizing toxicity in myself and other people, I often fell victim to manipulative people. My “first abuser” walked into my life when I was in kindergarten. There was a steady string of them through my life from then on.

Of course, I can recognize these patterns and issues now because I’ve done the work. 

I dove headfirst into self-help and discovered vocabulary to define and explain the things I’ve been feeling throughout my entire life. It took a long time to get there. And I came into the self-help practice thinking that there was something wrong with me; that I was broken and needed to be fixed. I believed that I was the reason that the relationships around me kept crumbling and falling apart.

Don’t get me wrong: I did play a role in the outcomes of my relationships, but I wasn’t always to blame. Just because I didn’t recognize the traits/red flags of a narcissist did not mean I deserved the abuse I was put through. Just because I may have had codependency or people-pleasing issues, that didn’t mean I deserved to be taken advantage of, used, and then abandoned like I didn’t matter.

We all make decisions in life. 

We get to decide on a moment to moment basis how we are going to act toward the people around us.

The individuals I most often surrounded myself with made a conscious decision to treat me like trash. That was their choice. If I wasn’t the subject of their bad behavior, someone else would have been. The only reason I tolerated it for so long was because I didn’t know better. I thought the way I was being treated was normal.

It took me a long time to get to that realization. And before I could get there, I had to understand what was going on with me. That’s when reading self-help books became beneficial.

Knowledge Gained

More often than not, I would learn about a certain personality trait, behavior disorder, or mental illness through reading. I found out about my depression in college, which was the first time I took a depression inventory. 

My anxiety came to light in adult life, after the first time I had a panic attack. I was in therapy at the time, and I explained to my therapist what had happened, and that’s when we went through the signs and symptoms and I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

Having this information was both beneficial and detrimental. I at least had a name to put to how I was feeling, but I chalked it up to nature (my genes), so I assumed I was stuck with feeling like shit for the rest of my life. It wasn’t until my anxiety and depression got worse that I discovered that environmental factors could impact their onset and severity.

I learned about codependency and people pleasing. I became curious about what these issues entailed. Part of me also thought that if I fixed these things about myself, it would fix my relationship with others. 

Part of that thought process was true.

Truth be told, neither codependency or people-pleasing are good traits to possess. In essence, they are survival mechanisms. They are ways to deal with horrible situations to ensure you get the attention and support you need to live in the world. 

More often than not, they develop in childhood as a way to appeal to parents or other caregivers to ensure you are taken care of. They are a learned trait that ensures you don’t die. You bring these behaviors with you into adulthood because they were reinforced and worked for you at a young age. 

Unfortunately, they don’t often serve you once you become an adult.

From learning about codependency and people-pleasing, I also discovered other issues such as complex PTSD, disassociation, trauma, abandonment wounds, and so many others. Not everything I found applied to me, but a lot did. And it felt wonderful to finally understand what was going on in my brain -- the physical and emotional side of it.

But it was also really hard. 

Learning that I was a people-pleaser or codependent hit me hard. 

I had always taken pride in my independence. To find out I wasn’t actually being independent but changing my personality based on who I was around and the situation I was in forced me to see that I had no idea who I truly was. I was so concerned with making sure other people liked me, I gave up my identity and tried to become what I thought they wanted me to be. I had no true self.

Learning this helped explain why I was prone to depression and anxiety. It’s a lot of work changing yourself to meet the needs and expectations of those around you, and it can be incredibly contradictory. Since I had to lose my true self in the process, I was left confused and lost. 

I couldn’t relate to myself any more. 

I often felt disconnected from my mind and body (disassociation). This caused me to lose touch with my feelings, making me feel numb. Or like I had a hole in my soul. 

The coping mechanisms I employed couldn’t be sustained for long. I did what I could for years, but it became apparent that they would eventually kill me. At this point, I had kids to think about. They became my focus and reason for living.

Finding Myself the Hard Way

While this is grand and noble and helped me get my shit together, it wasn’t all that I needed. 

I was still disconnected from myself and needed validation and approval from the people around me. 

That’s why I tried so hard to get my then-husband to love me. That’s why it cut me to the core when friends or family members decided they no longer liked me. 

From my self-help books, I learned that they were tearing open my abandonment wound and pouring salt into it.

Again, the fear of abandonment was something that developed early in childhood. It was actually what drove me to develop codependency and people-pleasing traits. 

As a child, I needed adults around to provide me with the basics, including food and shelter. I don’t remember when or how I realized that they may not be there for me (most abandonment fears form before 18 months, which is before I had developed memory), I had to look for ways to be pleasant to be around. How I achieved this as a baby, I have no idea. But I know what I did as a young child well into adulthood.

I did what I had to to survive. Since changing who I fundamentally was and ensuring the comfort of others around me worked as a kid to get (most) of my needs met, I assumed that was how life worked. I didn’t realize there were other options available to me. I didn’t know that asking for what I needed was something I could do. I settled for way less than I deserved because I was mostly getting what I wanted/needed. I had no idea more was needed to live a healthy, happy life.

I only learned these things by having some basic knowledge about mental illness and how it impacted me. I’m also an incredibly curious person that likes to learn as much as I can about the world. I’m endlessly fascinated in the human psyche and all that can go wrong -- which probably explains my obsession with serial killers.

But I was also looking for a way to make life better for those around me because I thought something was wrong with me.

The end result of my self-help journey was gaining the knowledge to grow as a person, but I didn’t come into the practice with my wellbeing at the forefront of my mind. I was still putting other people first.

The Journey Takes a Toll

The journey hasn’t been easy. It’s actually really hard to admit to myself that nature AND nurture played a role in my mental illness -- and I was my greatest enemy. 

I did a lot of damage to myself by allowing certain things to happen and not knowing myself. Learning about the toxic traits that exist within yourself isn’t exactly a moment of pride, either. Having to find out that most of my life was ruled by terrible, horrible people was shocking and depressing as well.

There’s this idea that finding yourself is an incredibly magical moment. 

The accepted imagery is that you’re on a mountaintop and the lights of heaven are shining down upon you. There may be tears, but there’s also joy and salvation. Renewal and rebirth.

The reality of self-discovery is actually quite different. 

It happens once you’ve reached rock bottom. When you find yourself in the gutter covered in filth and guilt and shame. You have nothing else to lose. You're left with only two choices: find a way up or keep living your miserable life.

I chose to pull myself up, but it hasn’t been easy. 

There are days when I slide back down and once again get covered with shame and guilt. I fall back into old patterns of people-pleasing or refuse to deal with a situation. Anxiety tingles at the edge of my existence, and thoughts of shutting down take over my mind. I cry. I rage. I throw my hands into the air and say, “Fuck it!”

But then, I realize how far I’ve come.

Yes, the journey has been hard.

Yes, I have learned unpleasant, terrible things about myself.

Yes, I have done some toxic things.

Yes, I dealt with my emotions (or lack thereof) in unhealthy ways.

I’ve hurt people.

I’ve hurt myself.

But then I look at all the things I’ve accomplished.

As of the writing of this, I’ve been sober for 14 years.

I can recognize the situations and triggers that impact my anxiety and find healthy ways to deal. Occasionally, I may still fall into panic, but the dread of attacks doesn’t impact my life as much as it used to.

I recognize the signs and symptoms of anxiety and tough feelings in my boys, and we talk about what they’re feeling. I give them ways to ground themselves and the vocabulary to put what they’re going through into words.

I’m learning to create boundaries so that manipulative people don’t get as much access to me and can’t drag me into their bleak existence.

I do what I can to validate myself and not rely on others to give my life meaning.

I’m learning that it’s okay to not be perfect and to feel all of my feelings.

Mental Illness Doesn’t Go Away

I am still plagued with mental illness, and there are occasions when I slip back into depression. That’s part of who I am, and it’s not anything I will be “cured” from. Same with anxiety. I am genetically wired to freak out at random times. I’m learning to be okay with this. I’m also learning how to keep environmental factors from spinning me out of control.

The discussion about nature vs nurture when it comes to mental illness will continue, but it’s not the most beneficial debate to have. 

The most important thing to realize is that these issues exist and they have serious impacts on a person’s life. That doesn’t make anyone unworthy or broken. All it means is that they have challenges to overcome. 

Nature and nurture have an impact, but it doesn’t have to be detrimental. It sucks diving deep into the core of your being, and there’s a lot more pain that comes with the process than you can imagine. You’ll probably find yourself plunged into darkness like you’ve never experienced. But you don’t have to stay there. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. There’s freedom as well.

Self-help isn’t a one-and-done type of journey. You don’t read one book and find yourself cured. 

It’s a never-ending process. 

It’s something you do for the rest of your life. 

This may seem daunting and scary, but it becomes less so the more you learn about yourself. 

Through the process, I’ve discovered some absolutely amazing things about myself, and I’ve changed the dialogue around mental illness for my boys. They won’t have to suffer like I did or flounder in ignorance. 

I have empowered myself through self-discovery, and I hope to pass those tools on to the next generation. Even if my kids suffer from mental illness, I hope they know they don’t have to go it alone and there are resources and tools that can help.

Nature. Nurture. Who cares? The most important thing is to recognize that there’s an issue and find a way to take care of it.

Feeling Better Through Writing

There have been studies that claim writing is a good way to heal from traumatic or emotional issues. As a writer, I can attest that there are some healing properties when it comes to writing, particularly for fiction. However, during the past several months, I’ve discovered that journaling can be beneficial too.

For a long time, when people asked me why I wrote fiction—horror in particular—my response would be, “Because mangling or killing someone on the page is more acceptable than doing it in real life.” There’s some truth to this statement. Not that I would ever really mangle or kill anyone in real life, but writing about these things is a good way to vent frustrations and work through stress.

For the past several months, I’ve been going through some emotional difficulties. During that time, it has been incredibly hard for me to find the desire or time to write fiction. I would sit down and try, only to find the words wouldn’t come or that the act was incredibly exhausting. So I backed off. I put all of my work aside and focused on other things. But this focusing on other things didn’t make me feel better. In reality, doing a lot of things didn’t make me feel better. If things were going to change, I had to change them.

When I was a kid, I used to keep journals/a diary of my daily activities. I wrote my hopes and dreams down in there, as well as long ramblings about nonsense (of course, at the time, I thought it was incredibly important information). While working through some of my anxiety issues, one of the things that was suggested was to write down thoughts, fears, and other things to get to the root of a problem. I decided to give it a try.

I still have a long road ahead of me, but the process does seem to help. When it comes to emotional issues, I think I express my ideas better by writing them down because when I say them out loud, I police myself. I withhold information that I’m afraid others will use to judge me or make me feel like a bad person. When I write, I don’t have to censor myself or my ideas because I don’t have to share that information with anyone. It’s strictly for me and about me. I don’t have to hide. That is incredibly empowering.

One of the things I really enjoy about writing in all its forms is that it allows me to explore things I wouldn’t normally explore. When it comes to fiction, those are places and situations that I will probably never find myself in. For journaling, it’s the inner recesses of my mind. In both cases, I learn more about myself and how I would or do handle certain situations. It’s incredibly eye opening and freeing.

Since I’ve been journaling, I’ve rediscovered my passion for fiction writing. I don’t feel as exhausted or lost for words when I sit down to write about my characters’ adventures, and it feels really, really good to write stories. Writing has made me feel better.