These conversations seemed so intriguing that I would attempt to recreate them during play or with my own friends. I did my best, but it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, talking to others just wasn’t that big.
While these conversations seemed important, it didn’t take long for them to get boring. If my parents or other adults started talking for longer than a few minutes, I was sure that the world was going to come to an end. I had to find things to keep me entertained and awake.
Most of the time, that also resulted in me getting into trouble. With the adults’ attention focused on their conversation, it usually meant the rest of us kids would start running around or engaging in rough housing. That usually cut most conversations short.
The “Important” Conversations
Now that I’m an adult, I find that my assessment of most conversations as a child were spot on: they are boring. Hardly anything adults have to say to one another is intriguing or interesting.
I would have never guessed in my younger years that adults were so obsessed with the weather or moisture levels.
Seriously, the only time weather should be of any concern is if there’s a big storm moving through or one has already moved through and you’re asking another person if they have supplies to see them through.
Nice days don’t need to be commented on. If I’m outside doing something, I’m fully aware how beautiful it is. The weather isn’t so vain that it needs constant validation for being sunny and warm.
And work talk. Ugh! I get that people may be interested in knowing what you do for a living, but do we really have to dive into the details? Especially when we’re not at work? Let me enjoy my time away without having to worry about assignments I didn’t complete or thinking that what I do for a paycheck defines who I am.
Engaging in “Safe” Conversations
Are humans really that bad at conversing with one another? Or do they not care enough about each other to engage on a deep level?
My assumption is that both of these play a role.
The worst conversations that occur is when people are trying to form relationships — whether platonic or romantic. Rejection is a serious consideration, and since most people don’t want to get dismissed outright, they attempt to play it safe. They try to make their conversations neutral — i.e., boring.
I get it: there are certain situations where diving into your personal traumas and fears isn’t a good idea. You need to be polite but also social. And maybe you don’t want to share your innermost fears and desires with the individual you’re talking to (I’ve been there many a times).
But if you’re only willing to talk about the “approved” topics, then you aren’t going to get anywhere anyway. Staying “safe” doesn’t convey interest.
One of the most common places to see this type of interaction is on dating apps. I often think back to my “adventures” on these sites and shake my head at the wrongness of it all.
A lot of it boils down to fear of rejection. With so many people on these sites, standing out is challenging. The chances of being ignored or ghosted is extremely high. Sending a message that just says “Hi” or “Hello” or some variation thereof lets you gauge the other person’s interest.
At the same time, it’s also setting you up for failure.
There’s a reason there are numerous articles on the web that say, “Don’t send messages like this.” These articles often recommend that men don’t post pictures of themselves posing with dead animals or taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror. If you’ve even been a woman on a dating site, you know they don’t heed that advice either.
Those messages let the other person know that you exist, and they may be willing to look at your profile, but it probably won’t go beyond that.
The same thing occurs in real life. If you walk up to someone you don’t know and just say, “Hi,” you’re probably going to get a weird look. You may have a bit more luck in getting them to respond, but then again, maybe not.
The Most Engaging Conversations
I hate small talk. Absolutely h-a-t-e it. I will engage in it for a while, but then boredom takes over and I’ll look for an escape.
So what do I find interesting?
I want to talk about your hopes and dreams. I want to talk about your favorite childhood pet or the oldest thing you have in your fridge (and why it’s still there). If I really like you, I want to hear all about your childhood traumas and what causes you anxiety. I want to know the last good cry you had, or the moment that made you laugh so hard you peed your pants.
But these aren’t “approved” topics. No one wants to open themselves up to others in this way because it’s uncomfortable — it doesn’t feel safe.
Understandably so. If anyone knows what it’s like to have personal experiences used against them, it’s me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about them. It just means I’m going to be selective about who I share them with.
And not everything has to be trauma talk. There are soooooo many other conversation topics that don’t revolve around the weather and work that can be interesting to talk about.
But there’s an unspoken rule that says once you become an adult, important conversations have to be boring.
If I had known that as a child, I would have made sure I had more silly conversations and didn’t try so hard to hone my speaking skills.
How Do I Converse?
As I said, if I have to, I will engage in boring, safe conversations, but I prefer to talk about other topics.
I’m not afraid to ask “weird” questions. Before getting too bizarre, I may ask about the most recent book you’ve read or your favorite movie. If you seem willing to indulge and get into a deeper level of conversation, I’ll keep it going.
You may recall when I was telling my dating stories that I would send questions to people such as “What song best describes your life” or “What three people (living or dead, real or fictional) would you pick for your zombie apocalypse team?” Sometimes I would get answers, most times I would get ignored.
What’s interesting is that more often than not, I would not get asked the same question back — or any question, for that matter. The person would be willing to answer what I asked, but then the conversation would die because they refused to engage.
Perhaps the topic was out of their comfort zone, or maybe they just weren’t interested. *Shrug* Hard to say.
But very few people will engage on this level — especially when they first meet someone. If this conversation occurs in real life, more often than not, I’ll get side glances or a person’s friend will happen by that they just have to talk to. Not that any of that bothers me. Talking shop is a slow death for me, so I prefer to stand in the corner by myself and just watch.
I also like to eavesdrop.
Taking conversations out of context can make things interesting, even if they’re talking about the weather. I then get to make up my own stories about what’s going on in their lives, which is usually preferable to what is actually going on.
Talking to Myself
Thankfully, I do have places I can go where the people I talk to are willing to dive into those deeper levels of conversation and we all get to know each other on a spiritual level — and it happened from the moment I first met them.
This is a rare occasion, but it’s a magical one.
In addition, I always have myself to talk to, and that seems to happen more and more. I enjoy these inner dialogues; they help me understand who I am or who I want to be.
I also know that I’ll always be there to answer the tough, weird questions.
I don’t begrudge anyone their right to talk about what makes them comfortable, but if it focuses on the weather, the amount of moisture we’re getting this summer, or a job, I probably won’t stay engaged for long.
That could be a good thing or a bad thing.
You get to decide.
