I watch documentaries and read books about the terrible things humans do to one another, and I put many of my own characters through horrific trials and tribulations that leave them traumatized and scarred.
There are times when I question my interests in the seedy side of humanity, but I know it’s not because I want to be like any of those people. There’s no way I would be able to commit murder, and I wouldn’t even try — w-a-y too much work for my tastes.
So where does my interest in the macabre come from?
Understanding My World
In an attempt to answer that question, I have to look deep within myself and the life I have experienced. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve known narcissists. They’ve played a major role in my life and have shaped me into the person I am.
Perhaps my desire to understand another person’s ability to manipulate and control those around them will help me understand myself. Maybe having knowledge of their personalities and modus operandi will keep me safe and from becoming a victim once again.
There definitely seems to be a desire not to repeat the past.
But, then again, maybe it’s just my natural human curiosity that draws me to these dark individuals. My desire to learn about them and be fascinated by what they’ve done is not unique. There are many, many people around the world who share my passion — that’s why there are so many resources about these individuals.
Another option I often consider is that by learning about these terrible people, it reinforces my view of the world. For people who know me well, they are aware of my cynicism and bleak outlook on life. They know that it’s hard for me to find the good in things and in people. By watching shows and reading books about the evil that exists, I continue the cycle of thinking that world is a bad place.
Would Things Change if I Changed My Outlook?
One of the things that is repeated throughout many different self-help books and in inspirational quotes and advice is this idea that if you surround yourself with positivity, that’s what you’ll attract.
There are some inherent issues with this type of thinking, including the fact that believing positivity is the only emotion worth experiencing can actually have a negative impact on you.
As humans, we are our range of emotions, and we need to feel and experience them all. Thinking that positivity is the only emotion worth acknowledging can make you feel like you’ve failed if you experience anything else.
But I digress.
I don’t think that all of the advice about thinking positively or envisioning the life you want to live is completely bad. After all, what are we if we don’t have our hopes and dreams?
There have even been times when I’ve tried taking this approach, but I’m not sure I’m doing it right. It feels unnatural and exhausting to always be bright and cheery — but maybe that’s just me.
Another bit of advice that is often given is to surround yourself with the vibes that you want to attract. This is just a variation on positivity, but in small doses, I don’t think it’s meant to be harmful. The hope is that with enough time and exposure, the happiness around you will permeate your being and make you feel better.
If I stopped reading and watching stuff about Nazis and serial killers, would the world seem like a better place?
Or would I just be deluding myself into thinking that such things don’t exist? Turning a blind eye, in essence, to the terrible things that occur?
Changing Habits for a Different Life
When it comes to changing your life, whether it’s in small or profound ways, the first step is to change your habits. For anyone who has ever tried to do this, you know how incredibly challenging this can be.
In truth, learning about the dark side of humanity is a habit. I may classify it as an interest, but it’s also become part of who I am and what I like to do.
Of course, on the other side of that debate is the idea that if this is something I like and enjoy, would giving it up be detrimental to my wellbeing? The subject matter may not be bright and sunshine-y, but it’s still something that makes me happy.
I suppose that’s the question that surrounds any vice. Sure, they make the person happy and feel good, but — in the long run — are they really good for us? Is learning about serial killers and other horrible people really that good for me? Is it helping me in any way?
But also: is it hurting me?
All of those are the real questions, aren’t they? Those are the things that keep me up at night and have me questioning my existence and what life means.
Perhaps I will do an experiment. Maybe for one week, I will focus on the “positive” — or at least watch TV shows and read books that are happy and uplifting. After that, I will see how I feel. From there, I can decide how I want to proceed.
Of course, the next thing I have to figure out is what will I find interesting and engaging?
Is My Outlook Really that Bad?
Underlying all of these questions and issues is the question about whether or not my outlook on life is really that bad.
It’s dark, for sure, but does that equate to bad?
If you think about it, the seedy side of life is all I’ve really known. I may not have been exposed to serial killers or experienced the horrors of WWII firsthand, but I have lived with my share of trauma. I have seen the world through panicked, anxious eyes and wondered if I would survive.
As unsettling as it seems, there is comfort in the behaviors of psychopaths. When that’s what you’ve known and what you’ve been exposed to, you feel like you understand what’s going on. Life feels predictable.
It’s weird to think about. It’s also something worth exploring. Like I said, perhaps I will start with a week and see how things go from there. If nothing else, I may gain some insight into who I truly am.
