One of the most basic human needs is to be connected. As social creatures, we thrive when we are around others and feel supported and loved.
In theory, connecting with and loving others is easy. All it entails is meeting someone, hanging out with them, and being there in both good times and bad.In practice, this is when things get messy and go wrong. We have too many issues that get into the way, making true connection difficult to achieve.
Our brains may be incredibly advanced, but there are parts that are still floundering and stuck in the far-gone past that make it difficult of us to achieve many of our goals as a species. The way trauma impacts the brain makes it difficult for us to connect to others, and on top of that, we also allow our prejudices, hate, and ego to get in the way.
We start to focus on our own needs rather than the good of the whole. That selfishness pulls our care and concern away from others, and we look for ways to get what we need, while often not providing to others what they’re looking for. As we take, take, take, we find that we need more — because we aren’t actually getting what we need — and the cycle continues.
Social Expectations for Connections
Within human society, there are a variety of different ways that people can connect. There are connections with friends and family, as well as romantic connections. For the sake of simplicity, let’s keep the categories to platonic and romantic.
Within each of these broad categories are specific expectations. We’ve been told since we were young that having friends means we get to hang out with people who share similar interests and will be there to have fun with and to help us with any problems we might have.
When it comes to family, their role is to help us grow by teaching us the skills we need to function within society. We are supposed to feel safe around our family and know that no matter what is going on in our life, we can go to them and have them tell us that everything is going to be okay or help us find a solution to whatever problem we might have. They will always love and accept us, no matter what.
For romantic relationships, we are told that ONE person is going to be there for us the rest of our life. They are going to accept us for who we are and love every fiber of our being. When things get tough, they’ll be there to hold our hands and wipe away our tears. During good times, they’ll be there to laugh.
In a romantic relationship, we get the best of both worlds. Not only will we have the basis of friendship, but it goes beyond that. There will be an entire being connection, one that takes place on a mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Finding this one person will make us feel complete, like we are whole and that nothing in the world can ever knock us down.
Expectations Dashed by Reality
Again, in theory, the definitions of these relationships sound really good. But when reality comes into play, both romantic and platonic relationships fall short.
Unfortunately, despite the guidelines and expectations that are set forth, very few people in the world can live up to them. There are too many factors that come into play; too much baggage that we each bring with us to the connection.
And we have expectations of our own.
Sure, we may want all of the things that we are supposed to get from these different connections, but some of us want so much more. Not only do we want to feel like the only person in the world in a romantic relationship, we want to be that. Any other connection our significant other has threatens our existence, forcing us to take drastic measures to ensure we become the center of that relationship’s universe.
In friendships, perhaps we want more than the other person can give. Maybe we want a platonic relationship to become a romantic one. Or maybe we discover that our family was never prepared to be there like they’re supposed to.
Society may set forth expectations of what relationships should look like, but it also sends mixed messages. It tells us that if we really want to make it in this life, we have to do it ourselves. We can’t be afraid to leave people behind who are holding us back, who don’t have our best intentions in mind, who threaten our ability to be the best we can be.
It’s the whole, pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps mentality. The idea that if you are truly going to be successful, this is a task that can only be achieved by you. If you have to step on people on the way up, that’s encouraged, because what’s at the top is what you deserve.
Survival of the Fittest?
Where did this mentality come from?
Was it something that took hold by watching nature and developing the idea of survival of the fittest?
This is definitely an idea that pervades our thinking. We have to be strong and tough, otherwise we won’t make it.
But what does that mean?
What are we striving to do?
The idea of survival of the fittest applies to creatures being able to pass their genes on to the next generation. But if you actually study nature and look at what makes a species successful, it’s not about being “strong,” it’s about being able to adapt. It’s recognizing that the environment around them is changing and doing what is necessary to survive in the new conditions.
There may have been a point in time when us humans were subjected to these same rules, but they no longer apply. While we are still impacted by parts of our environment, we have found ways to make it bow to our whims. We change our surroundings to better suit our wants and needs. We’ve thrown the whole system out of whack.
Perhaps that further encourages our sense of entitlement and desire for more. We’ve already “accomplished” so much. Maybe we think that we are invincible and can continue our dominance, so why wouldn’t we keep pressing forward?
In the process, there are members of our society who aren’t afraid to leave others behind. To sever connections in the name of progress. But what are they really gaining? What type of world are they creating?
Explaining Away the Discrepancies
With society sending mixed messages about connections, it’s hard for us to know where we stand. We try to find a compromise, some middle ground, only to realize that it’s not possible when dealing with such extremes.
Of course, there are people out there who do find meaningful connections in both their platonic and romantic relationships, but for a lot of us, we don’t get what we want and/or need.
It’s also hard to determine if a relationship is going to be beneficial or not. There are too many people who use manipulation and underhanded tactics to get what they want and need — and it often doesn’t result in giving back.
Relationships, no matter which type, require both parties being invested and willing to give as well as take. More often than not, they are one sided.
And there is nothing more devastating than the people who are supposed to always be connected to you not fulfilling their end of the bargain.
This is often dismissed as humans being humans. We are far from perfect, and our lives are riddled with mistakes. Even though the expectations are in place, society doesn’t actually expect that their members will live up to them, so people bend them to fulfill their own desires.
There is, of course, always room for improvement, and life is never going to be as easy as we want it to be.
However, for a species that thrives on being connected, it seems counterintuitive that we fight loving each other so hard.
