If you ever find yourself going through the process of healing from narcissistic abuse, one of the things you’ll discover is that you will be asked to think about what you deserve.
The reason for this is because narcissists only give you the basics — and only when they want to — and they strip away your ability to ask for things because they don’t want to be inconvenienced or take the focus away from them.Your wants and needs don’t matter. Only their lives have meaning, so they will only give you things if they know it will benefit them.
What are the basics? What are the bare minimums you should expect when it comes to being in a relationship (any type of relationship) with someone?
- Affection
- Compassion
- Respect
- Consideration
- Time
- Interest
- Intimacy (doesn’t have to refer to physical intimacy, it can be emotional and mental as well)
- Generosity
As time goes on, these things get pulled away. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you may not notice at first, but eventually, you will notice. You may make comments like, “Why don’t we do XX like we used to?” “When are things going to slow down at work?” “Did I do something wrong? Why don’t you treat me the same as you used to?”
There will be moments when you are showered with the minimums again, and life will feel grand. But then, you’ll be thrown back into the wasteland where you are rejected and ignored. By that time, you’ll have learned not to say anything about it because you will get punished in some shape and form by bringing it up. You definitely don’t want to deal with that, so you learn to take the good moments when they come and do what you can to get through the others.
The Minimum Can’t Sustain You
As much as you convince yourself otherwise, only getting the minimum infrequently won’t sustain you. It also doesn’t make for a healthy relationship. If/when you decide you want/need something more and start looking for ways to heal, you will be told to think about what you deserve.
What do you deserve?
At first, you may not think it’s much. If you’ve been conditioned and brainwashed for long enough, you will have been convinced that you are the problem and that you deserve whatever it is you get — even if it happens to be incredibly poor treatment and punishments.
As you get away from the mental and emotional abuse (and potentially the physical abuse), you will discover that the other person lied to you. You’ll realize that you are much more valuable than they ever said (which, if you think about, is the reason they kept you around in the first place), and this will lead to thinking about what you want out of the next relationship.
If nothing else, you should have the eight items listed above on your list, but you can also add to it. You don’t have to limit yourself to just those things. You can add anything and everything you think you deserve. It’s your life; you need to find a way to get the connections and relationships that are going to be sustaining and supportive. You don’t need the life sucked out of you once again.
Getting What You Deserve
Making a list and thinking about what you deserve from a partner or connection is an incredibly important part of the healing process. Remember, this doesn’t only have to apply to romantic involvements. You should also think about what you want/need from family members, coworkers, and friends — any and all of these can be toxic as well. A list can help so that you don’t ignore red flags and advocate for yourself in the future.
I put my own list together. However, one thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is whether or not I can actually get what I deserve.
My biggest wonder is if there are people out there who have the qualities that I’m looking for.
There has to be, right? There has to be others that are filled with empathy and kindness, but I seem to be having issues knowing where to find them.
Maybe they exist on dating apps, but how long do I have to stick around and deal with the blah to find out?
Maybe they exist as volunteers in my community or at my workplace, but when involved in these activities, my focus is often on other things; not trying to flirt and chat others up.
The other aspect of this that I have to keep in mind is that the person I’m looking for with these qualities is a human, which means that they are never going to perfectly fit my criteria.
They have their own agenda about what they want and don’t want in a connection, so there’s the idea of having to compromise to make things work.
For those of you who have been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you know that compromise was all you ever engaged in — but it often required you giving up things to make them happy. Very, very rarely did they ever take your wants and needs into consideration.
Thus, the thought of having to give up some of my criteria to make a relationship or connection work feels icky and uncomfortable. I start to worry if it will create a slippery slope that requires me to give more and more (because that’s what happened in the past), so instead of taking a risk, I decide it’s not worth the time and effort.
Getting vs Giving
Another aspect that I’ve really been considering when it comes to the idea of what I deserve is getting it. Why is it something I have to get from someone else when I can give it to myself?
I am fully capable of giving myself the minimums listed above. I know exactly what I need to be compassionate and show myself that I am loved and valued. Why does that have to come from an outside source?
Of course, the answer to this is that it absolutely should come from me first. That’s how I figure out exactly what I want and need, then the goal is that I can show others in my life how to treat me properly.
But they have to be willing to do that. Again, we are all interacting with other humans who have their own opinions and agendas. Just because I show them how to treat me, they don’t have to engage in the activity; that’s their prerogative.
When throwing these thoughts out to a friend, their response was that there are certain things they need from other people. I didn’t pry to find out exactly what those are, but I can see how many people would agree with that statement.
And maybe I’m weird for thinking that that particular statement is flawed.
Maybe it’s my trauma talking that leads me to believe I don’t need anyone else.
Because that’s exactly how I feel.
I don’t begrudge anyone who thinks that they need someone else to provide for them, but — again — what can they give you that you can’t give yourself?
I’m not asking to be dismissive or rude, I’m truly curious.
Does the idea of needing whatever it is from the outside source come from the deeply ingrained belief that being alone will lead to death and destruction, like it would have meant for our ancestors?
As I go through my healing journey and look back at my past to determine where many of my thought processes and patterns stemmed from, it becomes apparent that I have been failed by so many people.
I, in turn, have also failed others.
Yes, we’re all humans and prone to make mistakes, but how many of us do things to correct those moments? How many of us actually go through the work of looking at why we are the way we are and doing what we can to be better? We may not succeed, but the thought should count, right?
Driven by Fear
At the very core of all these questions is fear. A lifetime of disappointments and failures, as well as being exposed to incredibly toxic individuals, has left me untrusting and leery.
I absolutely have a list of the things I deserve, but I don’t know if I will ever actually get them. Does that mean I have to settle? Does that mean I have to rethink my list and make it fit the world around me?
To these questions, I would say no. I’ve already done too much settling and compromising.
So where does that leave me?
I don’t think there is an easy answer to any of my questions, but I also think that’s the point.
At the end of the day, all I can do is figure out what’s best for me. Perhaps that means being more patient and waiting for my person(s) to show up. Maybe that will require me rethinking my desires or making them fit with what is offered. It’s possible my thoughts will change from day to day, moment to moment.
I don’t know.
But I think that’s also part of being human — and that’s okay.
