The Things I Do to Put Myself Out There

I always get nervous before I do a presentation or workshop. But recently, I discovered that the host can say one sentence and put me on the brink of panic. That sentence?

“We cater mostly to a geriatric crowd.”

Yes, this sentence was actually spoken to me before I was about to present. I almost lost my mind. Seriously. I had been scheduled to do my Women and Slasher Film presentation, and this was the crowd I could expect. What? I’m pretty dang sure the host saw the worry on my face because he immediately started trying to make me feel better. He said things like, “It’s going to be fun, don’t worry.”

“You’ll do awesome.”

“The purpose of the humanities is to introduce people to new things, so this will help them stretch their boundaries.”

I tried to let his words make me feel better, but I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t exactly convinced either. But at that point, there wasn’t much either of us could do. I was scheduled to go in a few minutes. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t run away. Forty-two people showed up for that presentation.

I tried to keep my shakes to a minimum. I was given a podium to put my bottled water on, and I don’t usually use them because I have a tendency to pace, but I used it this time. I needed something to keep me steady. As I got into my speech, I began to relax. I had to pace back and forth to play the movie clips from the computer, so that helped loosen me up too. No one got up and walked out and no one yelled at me from the audience, so I considered that a win.

At the end, several people came up to me and continued to talk horror movies and told me how much they enjoyed my talk. It made me feel good. Participants also had the option to fill out a survey. Out of those who did, only three said they didn’t enjoy the presentation. And that could have happened at any event, not necessarily one that catered to a geriatric crowd. I considered that a win too.

One of the things I really enjoy about giving presentations and workshops is that I get to meet new and amazing people. This was a really good lesson for me to not judge my audience beforehand. I never know what will appeal to some and not to others. And as far as horror fans go, they are numerous and diverse.

Most days, I’m not even sure why I do presentations and workshops. I have anxiety and social anxiety, so being in front of people is an incredibly scary prospect. Did I say scary? I meant terrifying. For days before the event, I’ll worry about it. My stomach will have both butterflies and knots. I’ll worry about all the things that could possibly go wrong. On the day, as I wait for the time to begin, I’ll feel like I’m going to throw up.

Then, as I start talking, all of that goes away. I become focused on my topic and excited to share my research with others. I ask them questions and expect them to be involved. I crack jokes and answer their questions. It’s not exactly a high that I get from doing workshops because I don’t walk out of there feeling euphoric. I just like to share my research with others, and I enjoy when they learn.

It’s a weird space to be in. Before I go in front of the audience, I always wonder why in the hell I’m doing it. I always tell myself that will be the last time, but then I find myself putting in proposals or sending out brochures. There’s parts I completely enjoy, and then parts that scare the sh*t out of me.

I’ve tried to figure out exactly why I put myself through that, and I haven’t been able to come up with an answer. Normally, I’m not one to back down from a challenge or let my fear dictate my actions—and believe me, I have lots of fears. I’m not trying to prove anything to myself, I just really, really enjoy talking about the subjects I talk about.

Perhaps one day I’ll have an epiphany that helps me understand why I put myself through this emotional roller coaster. When I find out, I’ll let you know.

If I Was Braver

If I was braver, I would quit my job and completely immerse myself in writing.

It’s not that I hate my job; I don’t. I rather like the people I work with and it gives me a chance to use my degree. In fact, I get paid to write, and that’s awesome, but it’s not what I want to write; they’re assignments. Sure, I have some freedom in deciding topics, and I usually learn something new and fascinating with each assignment, but there’s also a rigidity to it.

To be able to write what I want to write when I want to write it and have it pay would be amazing. To be able to pay my bills with this type of writing would be phenomenal. At the moment, with a full-time job and a family to take care of, I squeeze writing in when I can. It’s not a terrible way to live my life, I still get my writing done, but I’m curious what I would be capable of doing if writing for enjoyment was my sole focus.

If I was braver, I would travel more, get myself out to more of the world.

In addition to throwing myself completely into writing, I would also dedicate more time to promotion. I do what I can now, as my schedule permits, but I would love to be able to do so much more. I would love to share my ideas with more people, and I would love to be inspired by their ideas and thoughts. I love doing workshops and presentations and attending conferences, and if I had time, I would do more.

If I was braver, I would spend more time helping out my fellow writers.

I love editing. It’s part of my professional expertise. I love being able to help other writers make their stories better. I also love being able to read stories that the vast majority of the world hasn’t seen yet. It’s magical.

I read articles all the time about how great authors—Piers Anthony, Stephen King, and J.K. Rowling, to name a few—were willing and able to give up security to follow their dreams. I’ve read about their hardships and struggles and how they were on the verge of destitution before finally making it big, and I both envy them and question why they did it.

I’m too afraid to take that leap. I worry too much about what my kids won’t have if I give up my steady, paying job. It scares me to think we’d be living on the street and not in comfort, that we might not know where our next meal is coming from, and that stops me from taking that next step.

It frightens me to think that I will never reach the fame and notoriety that these other authors have achieved, and that it could be because I wasn’t willing to try. At the same time, I also think that the world is saturated with writers, and I am just one among many. How could I possibly hope to stand out? That thought stops me from trying.

I already make sacrifices to make achievements in my writing, and I know that it takes hard work and determination to achieve my dreams, but I always wonder what more I could accomplish if I gave up more.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I would do with my life if I wasn’t so afraid, and the thoughts are both encouraging and distressing. I am nothing without my dreams, and those help keep me moving, but there comes a point when I have to be willing and able to do more. I have to continue to push my boundaries and try new things. I may not always be successful, but I can learn from the failure.

However, I have found that there are only so many boundaries I’m willing to push. I absolutely use my fear as an excuse, and I will continue to do so. I may never find my bravery, and that scares me too.