The Promise of Resilience

It had been 20+ years since I’d been to the house.

Not much had changed.

The exterior paint was a bit more faded and chipped.
The cracks in the sidewalk were deeper.

The drive had started out early, filled with stress and anxiety.
Before facing my family, I needed a moment.

I stepped out of the car and took a walk around the house.
I came around the front to go to the side.
My gaze fell on a sight that brought tears to my eyes.

Winter had laid the branches bare, leaving them thin, exposed.
The skeletal figure was both frail and strong.
It looked like the twigs could be snapped with ease,
But they could also sway and bend with the breeze.

The branches weren’t completely barren or bland.
On most of the ends grew a white and pink flower.
They stood in contrast to the brown sticks that made up the frame.
They spoke of hope and the ability to overcome.

I saw myself in that bush.
How the past year and a half had broken me down, made me a shell of my former self,
Left me exposed, vulnerable, a thin frame of what I had been before.

Despite the exposure and attempt to weaken, there was still strength.
The ability to bend in the wind and weather the toughest of storms.

Life had stripped me down, cut me to the core.
But with the devastation, there is the beauty of growth.

The promise of resilience.

Still Looking for Me...

Life has been a struggle lately. It hasn’t been as bad as it was a year ago. I haven’t been fighting off panic attacks and losing a ton of weight to depression. But I have been incredibly overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. That makes it challenging to do life the way it’s supposed to be done.

You may or may not have noticed that I’ve been away. I try to pop in when I can, but I’m really focusing on taking care of me right now. I have been doing a little bit of writing, so that’s been good. I enjoy being able to take the time to go into my fictional worlds and create things.

Other than that, I’ve just been taking things easy and resting when I can. I’ve also been doing a lot of soul searching and looking at my life. I’m thinking about making some changes, but I’m not really sure how to go about them.

While things change and I find my energy again, don’t forget that over the weekend I will be in Seattle for Crypticon. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s going to be a lot of fun! There’s nothing better than geeking out with others and talking horror. Maybe it will be just what I need to feel like myself again.

I Still Have Plenty of Life Left

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

Last summer, I turned 40. I didn’t handle the transition well. There was a lot of stress and anxiety. For a short time, I truly believed my life was over.

I’ve never been one to care too much about my age. I looked forward to the big ones:

• Getting my license at 16
• Being an official adult at 18
• Being able to legally drink at 21
• Being an adult-adult at 30

After turning 35, I felt it was suitable and appropriate to tell people when they asked my age that I was pushing 40. I honestly wasn’t bothered by a number.

Then, the year of emotional distress and overwhelming anxiety hit. Depression convinced me I was worthless and a failure. I was going to be 40 and what did I have to show for it?

• My job didn’t pay enough.
• I didn’t have insurance.
• I had no friends.
• My family was at least 7 hours away.
• I couldn’t write.

Yeah, it was a pretty bleak time. I spent my 40th birthday thinking I was going to die and that would be a fitting end to a craptastic life.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I was watching Mobster on Reelz because why wouldn’t I be? The episode focused on “Mad Sam” DeStefano. He’d spend his life participating in crime, but his real ambition was to be part of the mob. He didn’t realize his dream until he turned 40.

Side note: as I was looking up the link for the episode to put into the blog, I noticed that the first time this episode aired was on my birthday 7 years ago. How crazy is that?

Jokingly, I turned to my spouse and said, “Hey, if this new sales job doesn’t work out for you, you could still have a lucrative career as a mob hit man.”

After I said that, something clicked in my brain.

No, I did not think that I had a lucrative future as a mob hit man.

But it did occur to me that if that guy could follow his passion and keep working and trying throughout his life and finally see a payoff/recognition at 40, why couldn’t I?

Being 40 isn’t that old. Instead of focusing on the things I hadn’t accomplished by 40, I needed to focus on the things I could accomplish after 40.

Mad Sam continued to murder people well into his 60s. I don’t condone his actions or view him as a role model, but it’s hard to deny that after 40 he became a huge success in his chosen field.

I still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I’m excited to see what I can accomplish. I’m going to work hard to fulfill my dreams and be the best I can be.

40 isn’t the end. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash