Life Lessons from Dating Apps

If you haven’t read part 1, part 2, and part 3, now is a good time to get caught up!

In total, I was on the different dating apps for maybe 3 months, and my experience was mostly negative.

“That’s because you were on the wrong apps!” I hear some of you saying. “You needed to be on Match or eHarmony.”

To which I would respond: “Do you have any idea how expensive those apps are?”

And then you would say: “That’s the point! The high monthly price weeds out the creeps and weirdos and ensures that only those who are serious about finding a relationship are using the sites.”

And I would say: “Maybe.”

I have a friend who had a bad experience using Match. Despite the monthly fee, she was still able to find herself a predator.

I’ve also watched a news expose that focused on a man who murdered one woman and attempted to murder another after he met them on Match and was rejected.

I also know from personal knowledge that people with Dark Triad traits use dating apps to get their “supply.”

“Well, yeah,” some of you huff. “If you look for the bad in anything, you’re going to find it.”

Which is true. But keep in mind that I came to dating apps with high hopes and expectations, and they were dashed and torn apart. I was looking for the positive, but I didn’t find it.

My point is: It doesn’t matter if you have to pay a higher monthly fee or spend 20 minutes filling out a questionnaire. If a creep or predator is serious about finding their next victim and they have disposable income and time on their hands, they’ll use whatever dating app gets them what they want.

With that said, I also know two people who met and married their matches on dating apps. So, really, it can go either way.

At this point, all I know is that dating apps didn’t work for me.

“You just didn’t give it enough time,” some of you point out.

That could be, but I gave it as much energy as I could afford at the moment.

Other Finds During My Research

Probably the most interesting part about using dating apps was the information I found doing research. I’m one of those constantly curious people that likes to dig as deeply into a topic as I can get. For some, this might take the fun and excitement away from life, but for me, it makes it more intriguing.

If the internet has shown us anything, it’s that it’s super easy to create a whole new persona for yourself. You get to be who you want to be. And studies, even those conducted by the dating apps themselves, show that people lie in their profiles.

It has been found that 80% of people have lied in their dating app profile. The most common lies that people tell have to do with their height, weight, and age. The goal, of course, is to present the best versions of themselves to increase their chances of getting a date.

Other lies include how much money a person makes, with people saying they make more money than they really do. When OKCupid dug into this statistic to find out why this lie was so prevalent, they found that older guys who say they make a lot of money get more messages from potential partners than if they are in a lower income bracket.

So, if there’s a justification for this lie, it would be that it works — at least for a certain age group.

During my research, I also found that there is a high percentage of married men who also use dating apps to find other women. I can’t find that article again, so I can’t give you that number, but there is one from 2015 that claims that 42% of people who use Tinder already have a partner.

Now, I’m fully aware that Tinder is the site that is commonly used to find casual hook-ups, so maybe this statistic isn’t shocking to some, but I can say from experience that this isn’t the only site where this occurs.

I came across several profiles for married couples who were looking for a third or married men who wanted a side chick. There were also a few that said the divorce would be final in a few months, but the guy was looking for his next relationship now. This isn’t an anomaly.

Although, Tinder’s reputation as a hookup site is one of the reasons why I never signed up on that dating app.

Although, I have heard stories that Tinder has changed and there are now users who are looking for something serious and finding it. I will probably never find out…

There’s a Problem with Too Many Choices

One of the things that many people enjoy about dating apps is that they offer a lot of choices. People have access a world of available singles and look for the one that’s perfect for them.

But having tons of choices isn’t always better.

Recently, I read the book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari and in that book, he talks about how having too many choices actually makes it harder for us to find the right partner. Even if a person finds someone they click with and could have a lasting relationship with, there’s a fear that there is someone even better just a swipe away.

I also came across a study that talks about how the magnitude of options on dating apps leads to fears of rejection. After a certain amount of time, people stop swiping right (accepting) on potential matches because they are afraid that those people will reject them. The try to mitigate this feeling by being the first one to reject.

This could mean that they are overlooking individuals who could potentially be their soul mate. But rejection is a powerful thing, and if there’s a way to overcome the discomfort that comes from that, people will take it.

I can tell you that I experienced this while on the various dating apps. When I first got on, I felt like the world was my oyster. I picked men based on my personal preferences and sent messages to those I was hopeful to chat with.

After being ghosted or having conversations get awkward or fizzle out, I found my excitement waning. I would look at pictures and profiles and if I thought the man would ignore me, I decided not to have anything to do with him. I felt like I had to conserve my energy for those people who were “sure things.”

But that’s just it with dating apps: no one is a “sure thing.”

Most of the people are lying on their profile, so you don’t even get to know the “real” them until you meet in person (if you’re lucky; if nothing else, you’ll know if they look like their profile picture and are the height they claimed to be). There are also tons of fake profiles, and even those that are real, they might think that they’ll find a match that is even better, so they may reject you even after chatting for a while and/or going on a date.

I’m fully aware that finding a “sure thing,” whether you’re using a dating app or meeting people in other ways, requires a leap of faith. But there are people who aren’t willing to take that chance.

Relationships can be unpredictable and messy, and they come with a lot of emotion. Most people do what they can to avoid feeling discomfort at all costs, and may continuously swipe from one person to the next — all with the hope that Mr. or Mrs. Right will just fall into their lap.

Dating Apps and the Future

Some of you might be wondering if I plan to use dating apps in the future, and I can’t say. Right now, my knee-jerk reaction is to say, “Hell no!” But time may soften the experience.

If nothing else, I can walk away with some insight about myself. I will use this to grow and become the best person I possibly can.

Just because my story didn’t have a happy ending, that doesn’t mean it represents all dating app stories. There are millions of people who use these sites, and I am just one of many.

If you were lucky enough to find your forever using PoF, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony, or whatever, I’m incredibly happy for you.

Should you be thinking about signing up for one of these sites, all I can tell you is to be careful. Make sure you know what you’re getting into and protect yourself.

Well, that just about does it for what I am able/willing to share about my dating app experience. I hope you enjoyed it and perhaps even learned something along the way.

Taking Dating to the Elite Level

If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2, check those out. This post will make more sense if you do.

One of the things that bothered me on PoF and OKCupid was the fact that so many of my matches didn’t fit my personal preferences. Again, I wasn’t making a judgement call when I said I wanted a guy with a college education who wasn’t a smoker. It boiled down to personal preference.

Why have the options if they’re going to be ignored?

Since I wasn’t finding what I was looking for, I decided to take my search to another level. That’s when I signed up for Elite Singles.

They claim that 80% of their users have a college education and beyond.

They weren’t lying. The vast majority of matches I was sent were doctors or did other jobs in the healthcare industry. I think there might have been a lawyer or two in there, as well as some engineers. Plenty of professors, as well.

Elite Doesn’t Mean Better

Elite Singles may have had men with higher educations, but I still didn’t find a match. As I was scrolling through my options, one thing I kept noticing was that under the “Do you want to have kids” option, many of them had said “Yes” or “At some point in the future.” This didn’t work for me at all. 

Now, I understand that there are women out there who have kids in their 40s, and that’s totally fine. They can do what they want, and I’m going to do what I want.

I’m getting to the point in life where I don’t want to deal with diapers and getting up in the middle of the night. My kids are in double digits, and I’m happy they are testing boundaries and trying to become independent. The teen years are about to be in full swing in my house, and I’m dreading and looking forward to them.

I’m getting to the point in life where I want to see what’s beyond kids. What does life have in store for me when the kids finally start having lives of their own?

With that in mind, as I was looking at these profiles, I was thinking: “Who are they planning on having kids with?”

As a curious person, I decided to do some research to find out if men in the 40+ age category wanting kids was an occurrence that happened often.

Know what I found?

It is.

Older Men and Younger Women

If you come across a man who is 40+ and hasn’t been married and doesn’t have kids, chances are they structured their life that way. They decided to focus on their career to make sure they were financially secure before finally settling down. Some women take this route as well.

When these men finally feel good about where they are in their careers, they decide it’s time to start a family. Like so many others in this world, they turn to dating apps to help them find the perfect partner.

Most of these guys aren’t looking for women in their age bracket. Not only is it rare to find a middle-aged woman who wants to have babies late in life, but there’s also the fear of health concerns for baby and mom.

More often than not, these men are looking for women in the 27-35 age bracket.

Now, there are younger women who are looking for older men to have a relationship with. However, what I found in my research is that most women who are in their late twenties, early thirties are completely blindsided and confused when they get messages on the dating app from men who are as old as their dads.

Because here’s the thing: younger women who are looking for partners to start a family with generally want someone close to their age. This increases the chances that the father will still be around when the kid graduates from high school and that they’ll have the energy to play with their offspring and raise them.

That, of course, is a blanket statement, as I’m fully aware that there are people in their 60s and 70s who are in great shape. But the truth is: raising kids is hard work, and there’s a reason why most people are young when they take on the task!

There is, of course, men who are just looking to date younger women for whatever reason, so they overlook women in their age bracket. That’s fine. That’s their preference. I’m not gonna fault them for having filters.

Other Elite Issues

The other issue I ran into on Elite is the fact that there weren’t a lot of options within my distance requirements. In fact, I think out of the entire state, I was given three (maybe four) options. 

This could be due to the fact that it costs to use the Elite dating app. There was a free option, but it didn’t get you much. I knew this going in, and I was willing to pay to see what I could find. Turns out, it was a waste of money.

I did connect with one guy on there. He was a psychiatrist somewhere on the East Coast. He wasn’t my type, although he seemed nice enough. We chatted for a while, but then I was just done.

By this point in time, I was becoming incredibly disillusioned with the whole dating app thing. It was not what I expected, and it was taking more energy than I was willing to expend.

Eventually, I took down all of my profiles and deleted the apps. I lost money in the process, but I gained some peace of mind.

Tune in next week to see what lessons I learned during my mis-adventures in dating!

Eventually, I Find a Match

If you haven’t read the first part of this series, My Mis-Adventures in Online Dating, check that out first. The story will make more sense. 

One of the things I take great pride in is the fact that I’m a quick learner. I created a profile on Plenty of Fish (PoF) without having any clue what I was getting into. After only a short while, I developed some skills and gained some experience.

I decided to put this new-found information to the test.

Of course, PoF was a bust at this point, so I needed a new platform. After doing some more research, I settled on OKCupid.

One of the things I found appealing about this site was that they had an involved questionnaire that supposedly was more accurate when it came to matching me with potential mates. It still had the other filters, such as distance, education status, height, etc., but then it proclaimed to go much more in depth.

This was quite different from PoF. They had nothing of the sort. It was just a free for all for finding someone you might be interested in based on photos and their profile—which may or may not tell the truth (I’ll get into this in a later blog post).

Getting Started on OKCupid

As I set up my profile on the new dating app, I already knew that I wasn’t going to pay for anything on the site. I also told myself that it was okay if I didn’t respond to every person who messaged me. This actually turned out to be a lot harder than I expected, but I’ll get into this later.

What I found out during my trial-and-error period is that if you don’t pay for any features on the site, people can only message you if you form a “Mutual Match.” That means if they like you and you like them (blindly at this point, since you can’t see the photos/profiles of people who like you), then you can start chatting with one another. 

However, Cupid has an “Introduce Yourself” feature. If you liked someone, you could send them a quick message to say hi, or whatever. If they liked you back, then you could start chatting. It reduced a lot of unwanted and unsolicited messages that made me feel obligated to reply to.

In PoF’s defense, I should let you know that as a paid member, I had the option of using a feature that only allowed other paid members to message me. I turned this on and off several times, just to see how it worked, but it still led to getting unsavory individuals messaging me.

Things Go Slower

Cupid was a much slower site than PoF. The first 24 hours weren’t the most active, which made it feel less overwhelming and stressful. Likes came in slowly, and a few introductions showed up here and there.

I would say that within the first 24 hours I did receive a message, to which I replied, even though the guy was an occasional smoker and a few years younger than my target age.

I was still struggling with some boundaries at this point. Plus, I was just sure that I needed to find someone to help me get on with my life, and how did I know this wasn’t that guy?

It didn’t take long. It became apparent that we really didn’t have a lot in common.

With things moving slower, this gave me a greater sense of control. I was able to go through the stacks of matches presented to me to find guys that fit my personal preferences. I even took the time to send an introductory message or the first message if there was a mutual match (which didn’t happen often).

Of course, I’m not one to be boring. I refused to send a “Hi,” so I found some fun ice breakers to send. I would send things like:

• What song do you think would be playing on repeat in Hell?
• If you could start a charity, what would it be?
• If you had an extra hour each day, how would you spend it?

I would also read through their profile to find something that sparked my interest and asked about that. For the sake of experimentation, I think I might have sent a couple of “Hi” messages and maybe a few “How’s your day going?”

I had to see if one message or the other was more successful in getting a response.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

It didn’t matter what I sent. More often than not, I was ignored. Which is probably only fair because I ignored a lot of people as well.

I did talk to a few guys, but it didn’t take long for the conversations to get weird/uncomfortable or just fizzle out.

One guy was a professional student living about 1.5 hours away. He seemed incredibly nice and kind at first, and we chatted for a while. Then, the conversation turned to when we could become physical and how he didn’t mind the drive as long as I was willing to put out.

I’m not a prude, but after only a short time of communicating, this seemed really fast to me. And I pointed that out. And—again—the pandemic. 

He mentioned that at some point this would be an important part of a relationship, to which I agreed, but not tomorrow. He said when I was ready to change my mind, I could message him back.

I didn’t.

I was talking to another guy who claimed to be a horror fan in his profile. Since I also like horror films, I thought it would give us something to talk about. That conversation didn’t last long. It was so short, I don’t even remember what was said.

Which, side note, reminds me of a conversation with a guy on PoF. He started messaging me because he noticed that I like horror films, and, at first, he was engaging and fun. We talked about many different movies and what our favorites were. It was enjoyable.

Then, out of the blue, he said: “Does watching horror make you horny?” To which I replied that it didn’t (because I watch horror to discover the things that scare society). His response was that it must be the naked girls, but things became uncomfortable after that, so that conversation ended.

Back to Cupid.

Most of the conversations on Cupid were forgettable. Even though I had the ability to set filters for the types of guys I was looking for, they were ignored just like they were on PoF.

According to the sites, this is because they want all users to have an enjoyable experience, and the filters might limit the number of matches that I am shown. More often than not, this is because there’s a small pool of people in the area to pull from.

This makes sense, especially since I don’t live in a big city, but I don’t want to be shown random guys because it supposedly makes for a better experience.

It doesn’t.

It makes the process frustrating because I’m shown options that I have no interest in pursuing.

I Find a Match

Eventually, I was matched with a guy who ticked all of my requirements (or at least most of them). For the sake of these posts, we’ll call him Milton.

We formed a mutual match, and after reading his profile, I felt like my patience had finally paid off. He wasn’t looking to get married again (neither was I), but he wasn’t looking for hookups, one-night stands, or flings (neither was I!). He just wanted someone to talk to and hang out with (so did I!).

His profile pretty much read like mine, so I said yes.

The only thing that could be perceived as problematic was that he wasn’t looking for someone who had kids. His was grown and out of the house, so he didn’t want to raise anymore. I totally understood that, but since the conversation was starting out online, what did either of us have to lose?

When the “Introduce Yourself” box appeared, I had no idea what to say. It was late, so I decided to go to bed and write something the next day when I was fresh.

He beat me to it. His message was vulnerable and charming, and I found myself liking him even more.

Long story short, we started messaging every day. After 3 weeks, I sent him my phone number so that we could text.

Then, we decided to meet in person.

But I won't be telling you that story. Instead, I'm going to talk about my Elite experience!

My Mis-Adventures in Online Dating

I’ve always been wary of online dating sites. I’ve heard too many stories about women meeting unsavory men or dealing with creeps. I also watch a lot of real-crime TV shows. There also seems to be a desperation factor associated with creating a profile, and I never wanted to come off as desperate.

I’m from the generation that saw the rise of the internet. I’ve been there from the beginning and have watched it evolve. I’m comfortable being online. I have no problems meeting people online, but the thought of forming a romance wasn’t appealing.

Of course, over time, my thoughts and ideas on that notion changed.

Over the summer, my Outer Child convinced me that I had to meet someone new. Since I work from home and, you know, the pandemic, my only option was to sign up for dating apps.

I don’t drink, so going to bars is out of the question.

I’m not religious, so church? Ha! Not gonna happen.

I live in a fairly small town that doesn’t have a lot of clubs or organizations to join (trust me, I looked), so what was I to do?

I wasn’t comfortable with the decision, but I had read several articles about how the perception of meeting people online had changed. It was no longer stigmatized. In many cases, it was the norm. I wanted to move on with my life, and I convinced myself this was the best way to do that, so I did some research.

I’m not the type of person to just jump in and create a profile on any old dating app. I read a lot of articles and reviews about which ones are the best before finally deciding to download one.

The First App Was a Bust

Honestly, I don’t remember what the name of the first app was. I will tell you, though, that within an hour, I had deleted my account and uninstalled the app. The men I was matched up with absolutely did not meet my criteria.

Here’s what I was looking for in the men online:

• Between the ages of 40 and 52 
• Had at least some college (keep in mind that I have a Master’s degree, so education is very important to me)
• Non-smoker (I would not budge on this at all)
• Preferred non-drinker, but it was fine if they occasionally imbibed
• Preferred taller than me, but it wasn’t a deal breaker if they weren’t (I’m just over 5’9”)
• Preferred someone non-religious (it would just make things easier)

Where the person was located was also a big factor. I didn’t want to traipse across the country looking for love, and it was damn-near impossible to do with COVID raging anyway.

When it came to the first app, the vast majority of the matches I was sent were smokers or undereducated or both. This is not a judgement on the type of person they are, this is a personal preference. I wasn’t going to lower my standards, so I removed the app so that I could find someone more on my level.

My Second Attempt

After doing some more research, I settled on another dating app (Plenty of Fish [please note that I will not link to the apps because I don’t want to promote them, but I think it’s only fair that I let you know which ones I tried), downloaded it, and set up my profile. It said in the description that the first 24 hours of being on this site are the most active, and they weren’t kidding. I had to silence the notifications because my phone was about to explode.

During my research, I came across several articles that said to get the most out of the dating app experience, you are supposed to respond to every message you receive. Since it’s so hard to really know a person from a few photos and a short profile, engaging in conversation helps.

Let me tell you something: this is terrible advice to give someone who has had issues with creating and maintaining boundaries. I also have people-pleaser tendencies, so I was giving guys who didn’t deserve chances a chance. This didn’t make my experience pleasant.

The other thing that made me feel like I had to talk to people was the fact that I had paid for the site. When you have a free account, you get a notification that someone liked you, but you can’t view their profile or their photo. I wasn’t going to go into this blind. I needed to know who was liking me, so I decided to go for the paid option.

I misunderstood the payment options, so I wound up paying for, I think, 8 months of services. It seemed excessive, but once you’ve sent your payment information, you don’t get refunds.

Meeting My Matches

One of the first guys I met on the site wasn’t my type at all, and he lived well out of the range I was willing to drive, but since I was talking to everyone to potentially find Mr. Right, I engaged him in conversation. He was pleasant at first, asking questions and doing the whole get-to-know-you thing.

At one point, he mentioned that he was really enjoying talking to me and that he hoped it would continue. Within 30 minutes, that completely changed. Here’s the exchange (warning: bad language used! His message is gray, mine is the greenish): 

Now, I’m not sure why he thought he could decide if I was ready to meet new people or not, but at that point, I was done. Three days after this conversation, he sent another message trying to engage me again. I ignored him. 

Since the first few days are the most active on the site, I had another guy message me to tell me that I was a “cutie.” That sat really wrong with me. I’m in my 40s. I’ve outgrown the “cute” stage by about 15 to 20 years. I mentioned that to him, thinking that maybe he’d like to try again, and he sent an apology with an “you’re awfully sensitive as well.”

And that was how that conversation ended.

Another guy commented that I had a “bangin’ body,” which I don’t know how he could tell because I wasn’t wearing anything skintight in any of my profile photos—and most of the time the pictures didn’t show me from the neck down. When I asked him to not go there on the second message he sends me, he asked: “What are ya a nun?” Grammatical errors were included.

That resulted in a block.

Within two conversation bubbles with one guy, he asked if I would be embarrassed to have a 5’7” stand next to me in public. At that point, I knew nothing about him, but I sure as hell knew I didn’t want to deal with his height insecurities. I didn’t respond to him at all.

I was able to engage with a few individuals who were respectful, but I could tell from the beginning that the conversations weren’t going to lead anywhere. I hate one-sided conversations. If I’m the only one asking questions, I’m not going to keep talking to you. The goal is to get to know one another, but if you can’t ask me about me, then that signals that you’re not interested.

One guy I talked to did know how to ask questions, but he was farther away than I would have preferred and trying to move things too quickly. Within the first exchange, he was talking about me driving the 1 hour and 20 minutes to meet him.

Now, I completely understand that the point of dating is to eventually meet up in person. However, with a pandemic raging and long distances to drive, I preferred to chat online for more than an hour before taking that step. And I mentioned that. He said he understood, but constantly commented about when we could meet up.

I tried to reject him kindly, but it got to the point that whenever he saw me on the dating app, he would engage me in conversation. Due to my personality quirks, I couldn’t just ignore him, so I would get sucked into talking to him.

It got to the point where I didn’t want to be online at all for fear of running into him.

My Initial Beliefs Were Reinforced

My initial interactions with matches were cringy enough, but there were other reasons why I didn’t like this particular app. The number of fake accounts was staggering. I would say one-third of the people who contacted me were trying to lure me off the site so that they could ask me for money. I was ready for it, though, so I didn’t fall for their trickery.

Out of curiosity, I did a search to find out how successful scammers were in getting people to send them money, and I was shocked by what I found. In 2019, it was reported that people lost more than $200 million to romance scams.

$200 MILLION!

Says a lot about people. There are a lot of lonely people in this world looking for a connection. It also shows that some people have no scruples and will take advantage any chance they get. It’s sickening on so many levels.

In addition, the filters were worthless. They only work when it comes to showing me guys I might be interested in, but if someone is interested in me, they can like and message me whenever. They don’t have to be in my 100-mile radius or be non-smokers or whatever other filter I set. Because they are shown people who match their filters, and they might not have set any. This troubled me a lot. I was contacted by a lot of men that I wasn’t interested in at all.

I did not enjoy my experience on the Plenty of Fish dating app. It reinforced my initial beliefs that dating apps are full of creeps.

I wasn’t quite ready to give up, though. My Outer Child convinced me that there was still hope, so I decided to conduct an experiment. That involved signing up for another dating app.

Tune in next week when I share what I learned from OKCupid.