I have many a day where getting out of bed is a struggle. I think about all the things I have to do -- work, get the kids to school and events, make sure they are fed, listen to them play (rage at) video games -- and I want to throw the covers over my head and roll over.
I may be a full-time mom, but I have my moments where I lament not being free to do what I want. When those thoughts cross my mind, I feel incredibly guilty and shameful. After all, if it weren’t for me, who would raise the kids?
My ex isn’t a hands-on type of dad. Since the kids were little, he’s made it clear that raising them was my job, even going so far as to make comments that he “doesn’t do babies.” If you saw him in public, you would probably think that he should win a Father of the Year Award. He’d seem incredibly dedicated and attuned to the boys’ needs. He would engage with them in a playful manner and smiles would be seen all around.
But those moments can be -- and often are -- faked.
There are days when I struggle with how my ex treats the boys. There is a sense that he can provide them with lavish gifts such as vacations and fun, while my job is to actually raise them.
My ex isn’t a hands-on type of dad. Since the kids were little, he’s made it clear that raising them was my job, even going so far as to make comments that he “doesn’t do babies.” If you saw him in public, you would probably think that he should win a Father of the Year Award. He’d seem incredibly dedicated and attuned to the boys’ needs. He would engage with them in a playful manner and smiles would be seen all around.
But those moments can be -- and often are -- faked.
There are days when I struggle with how my ex treats the boys. There is a sense that he can provide them with lavish gifts such as vacations and fun, while my job is to actually raise them.
Since I have them during the week, there isn’t a lot of fun to be had. It’s all business, with homework during the school year and practices during the summer. The dynamics are different. Way too often I feel like Serious Mom, when I want to have moments of being Fun Mom.
Weekends are also incredibly challenging for me. Right after the divorce, I had visions of living a free life, doing what I wanted with whoever I wanted. There were fantasies of meeting someone new and having a healthy relationship, but that hasn’t happened yet. As mentioned, there was also a desire to hang out with friends.
Weekends are also incredibly challenging for me. Right after the divorce, I had visions of living a free life, doing what I wanted with whoever I wanted. There were fantasies of meeting someone new and having a healthy relationship, but that hasn’t happened yet. As mentioned, there was also a desire to hang out with friends.
Life Becomes Lonely
I didn’t imagine myself being alone.
But that’s how I spend the vast majority of my weekends. At first, it wasn’t a big deal. I enjoyed watching the shows I wanted to watch and going to bed early. It was nice not having to run kids from one place to another. With COVID, I wasn’t going anywhere anyway. As time went on, I dreaded weekends.
I missed my boys. My life was so tied up in what they were doing, I didn’t know how to be on my own. I was bored and restless.
I had a lot of time to think -- about life in general and my life specifically.
One of the reasons why toxicity is allowed to persist is because people are afraid to call others out. They don’t want to rock the boat or seem like they are making a scene. Conflict is scary. And, in many cases, calling out the bad behavior isn’t going to change anything, and could potentially lead to backlash.
That is something that happens in families. But that doesn’t mean the behavior should be ignored. Calling out the bullshit is how people learn to develop boundaries and ways to deal with bullies. It lets them know that what they’re feeling is valid and that there are others who can sympathize and empathize with what they are going through.
Those were lessons I needed to learn when I was a kid. The way I was raised, my parents made it seem like everyone in the world was so good and always had the best interest of others at the forefront of their minds. In kindergarten, this belief that stemmed from my home life allowed me to fall prey to my first narcissist, and it only continued from there.
As I got older, I learned a lot about my family’s dynamics and the household in which my mother was raised. I don’t have all the information, so I can’t say for sure if my grandmother had NPD or another personality disorder, but it was toxic. I wouldn’t accuse my mother of being a narcissist, but I would say her actions and how she raised us were greatly influenced by the way she was raised.
That is generational trauma being passed on.
If my family had been able and willing to talk about the fact that some people were assholes, that may have changed a lot of things. It may have allowed me to recognize those traits in other people and not get sucked in by their charm and false selves.
But I can’t change the past.
All I can do is give my boys the things I didn’t have.
I’m certainly not perfect. I’ve known this for a while, but it certainly felt like it became overwhelmingly apparent right after the divorce. I had had some mental breakdowns during the marriage, but they were easy to cover up and explain away as other issues to the boys. When I was on my own, I didn’t have anything to hide behind anymore. I had to get real honest with myself -- and my kids.
Those were lessons I needed to learn when I was a kid. The way I was raised, my parents made it seem like everyone in the world was so good and always had the best interest of others at the forefront of their minds. In kindergarten, this belief that stemmed from my home life allowed me to fall prey to my first narcissist, and it only continued from there.
As I got older, I learned a lot about my family’s dynamics and the household in which my mother was raised. I don’t have all the information, so I can’t say for sure if my grandmother had NPD or another personality disorder, but it was toxic. I wouldn’t accuse my mother of being a narcissist, but I would say her actions and how she raised us were greatly influenced by the way she was raised.
That is generational trauma being passed on.
If my family had been able and willing to talk about the fact that some people were assholes, that may have changed a lot of things. It may have allowed me to recognize those traits in other people and not get sucked in by their charm and false selves.
But I can’t change the past.
All I can do is give my boys the things I didn’t have.
I’m certainly not perfect. I’ve known this for a while, but it certainly felt like it became overwhelmingly apparent right after the divorce. I had had some mental breakdowns during the marriage, but they were easy to cover up and explain away as other issues to the boys. When I was on my own, I didn’t have anything to hide behind anymore. I had to get real honest with myself -- and my kids.
I Can’t Keep Secrets
Depression and anxiety are major factors in my life. I can deny it as much as I want, but it doesn’t make them go away. Instead of fighting against them, I have to look for ways to recognize them and learn from them.
Shit got real after the divorce, and I struggled to do even the simplest of tasks. There are times when it’s still incredibly challenging for me to drive my kids to school. Panic grips me and I feel helpless. My boys are counting on me to be there, but sometimes I need a minute. I’m not afraid to tell them that.
I’ve also recognized the symptoms of anxiety in my kids. Instead of letting them flounder and deal on their own, I try to give them some ways to cope and ground themselves. This wasn’t something I was taught when I was a kid, and it would have been incredibly useful. I want to give my boys a fighting chance, so I don’t hide these things from them.
I’ve also recognized the symptoms of anxiety in my kids. Instead of letting them flounder and deal on their own, I try to give them some ways to cope and ground themselves. This wasn’t something I was taught when I was a kid, and it would have been incredibly useful. I want to give my boys a fighting chance, so I don’t hide these things from them.
They are already experiencing anxiety and depression, that’s not going to change, but knowing that they are not alone and have the strength to get through can help them live their best lives. It won’t take the issues away, but it will let them know that the problems can be dealt with -- and that it’s important to deal with them.
Dealing with the divorce forced me to look at myself and figure out why I am the way I am. There’s been a lot of trauma work to undo life habits that have influenced the way I live. Going back and exploring these things is incredibly difficult. There’s nothing like opening up old wounds that have been buried for a reason, but it’s also important. Healing the things from the past opens up possibilities for the future.
I’m still searching for myself. I’m still dealing with fallout from the divorce and the 17 years that happened before that moment in time.
Dealing with the divorce forced me to look at myself and figure out why I am the way I am. There’s been a lot of trauma work to undo life habits that have influenced the way I live. Going back and exploring these things is incredibly difficult. There’s nothing like opening up old wounds that have been buried for a reason, but it’s also important. Healing the things from the past opens up possibilities for the future.
I’m still searching for myself. I’m still dealing with fallout from the divorce and the 17 years that happened before that moment in time.
Hell, I’m dealing with the 40+ years that happened before that.
I have dedicated myself to being a mom because that’s what gives me a purpose at this point in time. My boys need me, and I need them. It’s not easy because we all need a life of our own. My boys do have their own friends and lives to live, and I’ll get there eventually, but the process has been slow. I have a lot of things I need to work out, and it feels like all I can do is focus on one thing at a time right now.
For the moment, I choose to focus on my boys.
