Waiting for My Self

Source: pixabay.com

One of the most challenging things I deal with with my anxiety and depression is finding my self.

Both anxiety and depression are really good at making me question who I am. After any type of social interaction, I will replay the entire scenario through my mind, trying to figure out if I said anything offensive, stupid, or condescending. I’ll wonder what the other person (people) think of me. I’ll question if there were things I could have done or said differently.

This can go on for days. It doesn’t just apply to recent events, either. Things I did years ago are fair game to scrutiny. Things that haven’t happened yet will be challenged with “what ifs,” and I’ll wonder if I should even participate in whatever event I’m supposed to participate in.

These moments are so tough because they make me question my abilities and my worthiness. Impostor syndrome absolutely plays a role in these musings, and I question my ability to talk with authority on any subject. This spirals down into me feeling like I have nothing valuable to say, so I should just say nothing.

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

To complicate matters even further, I often put myself in positions where I’m required and expected to talk to other people. I do workshops and presentations based on my books. I teach a class at the community college about writing and research. I do online radio shows and conferences.

If you’re asking yourself why I put myself through that and then have to deal with the fallout, the answer is complicated.

I’m still human and a social creature. I enjoy being around others. I enjoy geeking out, talking to, and connecting with others through topics I’m passionate about. I enjoy sharing knowledge.

The degree to which I experience the fallout after these events will depend on various things. Some days, I can get through an entire interaction with barely a second thought. Other days, I’m obsessed with thinking about how things went down.

I often feel like if I had more confidence in myself and my abilities that this wouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is. I think that if I had a better sense of who I am, of my true self, I wouldn’t ruminate on social interactions as much.

I’m trying to work through this and figure out who I am. It’s not an easy path to take, but it’s an important one. I have no definitive answers yet, but I’m going to keep working. In time, maybe I’ll discover a way to feel better about myself and not worry so much about how others perceive me. Then again, maybe I won’t.

My hope and goal are that by the end of the journey, I’ll have a better understanding about who I am—even if that means I’m an anxious, depressed person who will always be worried about how the world views me.

Follow Me

Pembroke Sinclair's books on Goodreads
Life After the Undead Life After the Undead
reviews: 55
ratings: 100 (avg rating 3.64)

The Appeal of Evil The Appeal of Evil (The Road to Salvation, #1)
reviews: 38
ratings: 63 (avg rating 3.54)

Wucaii Wucaii
reviews: 32
ratings: 35 (avg rating 4.11)

Death to the Undead Death to the Undead (Sequel to Life After the Undead)
reviews: 20
ratings: 39 (avg rating 4.23)

Dealing with Devils Dealing with Devils (The Road to Salvation, #2)
reviews: 22
ratings: 32 (avg rating 4.00)