After all the hardships and strife I’d been through, I wanted compensation. I wanted people to pay for how they had contributed to my heartache and pain — and I wanted different things from different people.
My anger grew when I didn’t get the compensation I thought I deserved. I spiraled down into depression. I became stuck.
It became apparent that I wasn’t going to get any of that.
At first, it was really hard to accept that. It didn’t seem right. It wasn’t fair. Where was the justice?
And then I realized that hanging on was keeping me miserable. All of the people that I wanted these things from had moved on. They left me in the dust and never looked back. I needed to do the same.
I want to take a moment and say that my letting go is not the same as forgiving. There’s still a part of me that isn’t ready to do that.
Yes, I’m fully aware that forgiveness isn’t actually for the other person, it’s for me. And if that’s true, then I get to decide when I’m ready. In some cases, I may never be.
I’ll also tell you that even if I forgive, I won’t forget.
It was hard for me to be patient, to trust in the healing process, and to even believe that Karma would play a role. In my grief and pain, I wanted recompense NOW!
But with the passage of time, it has become apparent that being patient — especially with myself — does pay off.
I have grown and healed so much over the past few years, and while I still have heartache and pain, it doesn’t shut me down like it used to. Being able to let go of needing payment for my pain has allowed me to move forward and see the world in a different light.
I’m free of the burden of needing something that I’ll never get.
As humans, the two things that drive our actions day in and day out are pain and fear.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at one day in your life, even yesterday, and tell me what you did.
Did you get up and go to work? Why? Because you were AFRAID that if you didn’t you wouldn’t have the money to pay the bills or that you’d get fired and people would judge you?
That’s just one example. I’m sure you can find many others in one day.
You don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed about being driven by these two emotions. The vast majority of us are.
In fact, one of the reasons we’re so focused on finding happiness is because it’s PAINFUL to live a life that isn’t filled with joy and positivity. We feel BAD if we aren’t striving for the ideal of happiness.
But it’s not sustainable. No emotion — whether good or bad — lasts forever. But we don’t want to experience pain, so we bend over backward to not have to feel it.
My need for compensation was driven by pain and fear. Each situation was slightly different, but those two emotions were at the core. I believed that by getting what I needed, the pain and fear would go away.
I only prolonged them by wanting something I would never get.
A lot of people have this same thought process. I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last. And it can drive people to do some really horrific things. Combined with that is also the need to be seen — the desire to have others validate and support. That was one of the things that drove me as well.
Pain and fear are in our wiring, and they are part of the legacy of being human.
None of us can get rid of pain and fear completely. They serve a role in our survival; they keep us alive.
However, it’s possible to undo the programming in our bodies and brains and make it so that the pain and fear aren’t always in control. It takes a lot of hard work, and it requires going deeper into the pain and fear than most people want.
But when you come out on the other end, you’ve learned a lot about yourself and what you want out of life.
The journey is different for everyone, but for me, I was able to free myself from a lot of things that were holding me back.
My pain IS worth something, but it’s not what I thought I wanted/needed. Only I know my value, and only I can give myself what I deserve.
I’m doing my best to see that I’m taken care of.
- Money
- An apology
- Time
My anger grew when I didn’t get the compensation I thought I deserved. I spiraled down into depression. I became stuck.
Patience IS a Virtue
Then, as time passed and I dove into self-healing, I let a lot of that stuff go. I looked deep within myself and figured out exactly what it was that I wanted from these people, and it wasn’t money or an apology or time.It became apparent that I wasn’t going to get any of that.
At first, it was really hard to accept that. It didn’t seem right. It wasn’t fair. Where was the justice?
And then I realized that hanging on was keeping me miserable. All of the people that I wanted these things from had moved on. They left me in the dust and never looked back. I needed to do the same.
I want to take a moment and say that my letting go is not the same as forgiving. There’s still a part of me that isn’t ready to do that.
Yes, I’m fully aware that forgiveness isn’t actually for the other person, it’s for me. And if that’s true, then I get to decide when I’m ready. In some cases, I may never be.
I’ll also tell you that even if I forgive, I won’t forget.
It was hard for me to be patient, to trust in the healing process, and to even believe that Karma would play a role. In my grief and pain, I wanted recompense NOW!
But with the passage of time, it has become apparent that being patient — especially with myself — does pay off.
I have grown and healed so much over the past few years, and while I still have heartache and pain, it doesn’t shut me down like it used to. Being able to let go of needing payment for my pain has allowed me to move forward and see the world in a different light.
I’m free of the burden of needing something that I’ll never get.
A Legacy of Pain and Fear
As humans, the two things that drive our actions day in and day out are pain and fear.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at one day in your life, even yesterday, and tell me what you did.
Did you get up and go to work? Why? Because you were AFRAID that if you didn’t you wouldn’t have the money to pay the bills or that you’d get fired and people would judge you?
That’s just one example. I’m sure you can find many others in one day.
You don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed about being driven by these two emotions. The vast majority of us are.
In fact, one of the reasons we’re so focused on finding happiness is because it’s PAINFUL to live a life that isn’t filled with joy and positivity. We feel BAD if we aren’t striving for the ideal of happiness.
But it’s not sustainable. No emotion — whether good or bad — lasts forever. But we don’t want to experience pain, so we bend over backward to not have to feel it.
My need for compensation was driven by pain and fear. Each situation was slightly different, but those two emotions were at the core. I believed that by getting what I needed, the pain and fear would go away.
I only prolonged them by wanting something I would never get.
A lot of people have this same thought process. I’m not the first, and I won’t be the last. And it can drive people to do some really horrific things. Combined with that is also the need to be seen — the desire to have others validate and support. That was one of the things that drove me as well.
Pain and fear are in our wiring, and they are part of the legacy of being human.
Overcoming the Programming
None of us can get rid of pain and fear completely. They serve a role in our survival; they keep us alive.
However, it’s possible to undo the programming in our bodies and brains and make it so that the pain and fear aren’t always in control. It takes a lot of hard work, and it requires going deeper into the pain and fear than most people want.
But when you come out on the other end, you’ve learned a lot about yourself and what you want out of life.
The journey is different for everyone, but for me, I was able to free myself from a lot of things that were holding me back.
My pain IS worth something, but it’s not what I thought I wanted/needed. Only I know my value, and only I can give myself what I deserve.
I’m doing my best to see that I’m taken care of.
